Big Time Drama in the Adjoining Cubicle

Friday, May 27, 2005

Things I Learned Today

  1. My cubemate did not have sex with Josh seven years ago on Christmas Eve.
  2. They ABSOLUTELY did not have sex six times that night, no matter what Josh says.
  3. It definitely was not the best sex ever, even though they didn't have it.

And I Quote...

"What's booty time?"

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

"...They Thought I Looked Like a Drag Queen"

The best thing about Microsoft Outlook is that it delivers little messages like this to me almost daily. It's as if it can read my mind, and knows that my world will stop spinning if it doesn't somehow compel my cube-mate to randomly divulge her her adventures in gender bending to me.

From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, May 24, 2005 2:47 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:

You do have a thing with the lesbians. I use to pick gay guys up when I was skinny. I think they thought I was a drag queen even though I didn't use a lot of make up??? My hair was also short

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, May 24, 2005 2:40 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE:


Who knows?. I only knew one set of hot lesbians, and I accidentally picked one of them up.*

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, May 24, 2005 2:39 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:


look at THE TEMP. do you think she gets anything hot?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, May 24, 2005 2:39 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE:


Dude, tabitha is hot.

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, May 24, 2005 2:37 PM
To: Me
Subject:


so when THE TEMP was at my house she was talking to someone. I think this is a "special" someone because the tone in her voice, the way she was talking. She even went into a different room to talk. She was talking the way I do with a guy. the name was Tabatha! A girl I think she is you know what

*But that’s a story for another day…

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About My Cube-Mate (But Were Afraid to Ask Dionne Warwick)

I don't have a crystal ball, but thanks to the magic of Dionne Warwick's Cosmic Peephole I know know more that I ever wanted to about my cube-mate.

For example:

My Cube-mate really has to go to the bathroom, but is too terrified of "potty seat creepies."

My Cube-mate is secretly engaged in an adulterous tryst with a Nordic hunchback named Sven.

My Cube-mate actually thinks drinking diet soda will help melt that fat ass.

My Cube-mate thinks people who wear yellow on Tuesdays are totally into golden showers.

My Cube-mate dreams of making a cool $1500 on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

My Cube-mate doesn’t even feel guilty for making fun of that little crippled girl.



My challenge to you, Einstein, is to figure out which one of those insights really isn't a lie.

My Head Hurts

Sometimes I can't even begin to blog everything my little buddy in the next cubicle has to say. Today, for instance, the hot topic is crack whores and drunk elderly native adulterers with a smattering of 'my gay cousin' thrown in for good measure.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

On the Motherhood Kick?

Judging by her current phone call (39 minutes of nonstop fun!), my cube mate is all about the little ones:

"Oh, I would have slapped that little kid. I hate ugly little kids, and you know that child is ugly. Plus you know she's so ditzy and so slow. "

Monday, May 09, 2005

Draw Your Own Conclusions

Scroll up from the bottom, grasshopper, just like Outlook.


-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Monday, May 09, 2005 12:55 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: The Rumor


THIS IS THE MIDDLE FINGER DIRECTED AT YOU.

_____________________________________________

From: Me
Sent: Monday, May 09, 2005 12:54 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: The Rumor

Nope. You'll have to tell me all about it when you and little Tonka go there.

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Monday, May 09, 2005 12:53 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: The Rumor

NO, I MEAN VISITING IN JAIL

_____________________________________________
From: Me
Sent: Monday, May 09, 2005 12:52 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: The Rumor

No, I've never been knocked up by a convict.

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Monday, May 09, 2005 12:52 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: The Rumor

DO YOU KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE:-)

_____________________________________________
From: Me
Sent: Monday, May 09, 2005 12:52 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: The Rumor

That's no fun.

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Monday, May 09, 2005 12:50 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: The Rumor

I THINK IT WILL BE LONGER THAN A YEAR. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A CONVICT YOU KNOW OR HAVE THAT AROUND MY PLACE

_____________________________________________
From: Me
Sent: Monday, May 09, 2005 12:50 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: The Rumor

You and your little baby will be visiting him in jail a year from now.

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent:Monday, May 09, 2005 12:49 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: The Rumor

You know he is in court now. I am so thru with him for sure. I can't be around someone who is being questioned for a shooting

_____________________________________________
From: Me
Sent:Monday, May 09, 2005 12:45 PM
To: Her
Subject: The Rumor

So here's the rumor I am going to spread.

You are knocked up, but not sure who the daddy is. The guy who you think it is in jail for killing someone, and the other guy who could be the daddy will kill the one in jail if he finds out about him.

Friday, May 06, 2005

My Cubemate the Journalist

"Get this: Clamidia Outbreak Kills a Dozen Penguins!"

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Girl Talk

My cube mate and one of her little buddies are whispering in the next cubicle. I'm not supposed to notice them, apparently, but I guess I'm allowed to overhear fragments "pssssst ...... hemmoroids .... no, sex with Brittany.... desperate houseboys.... it hurts .... what does he think I do when I leave my cubicle?"

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Pump Up the Volume

The decibel level of a baby crying is 110 decibels. An jackhammer tops out about 130. My cube mate, yelling "Shut up! Shut up! Then what the FUCK have I been doing this for all year?" into her cell phone as she enters the elevator lobby? About 150.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Someone Call the Health Department

"Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed."

"Why?"

"Because I found something, and I'm like, oh my god. Come here, I haven't told anybody. Come here."

I go there. She points at her leg.

"What?"

"Look, it's a wart. I'm so embarrassed! Oh my god! I sat down, and looked at my leg, and I have a wart! What will people think?"

Monday, May 02, 2005

Today's Spontaneous Announcement

It's early, and I'm sipping my coffee and contributing to the over-spreadsheeting of Corporate America when the never ending fount-of-amusement in the next cubicle decides to unburden her soul with the following announcement:


"A long time ago I was drunk, and I fell, like, headfirst out of a van, and landed like right here on my forehead. Only, I didn't really feel it, so I went to bed. But the next morning my head was killing me, and when I looked in a mirror my forehead was covered with all this dried blood and little rocks."

"But that was a long time ago, before I learned to drink."