Big Time Drama in the Adjoining Cubicle

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

They have a pill for that

Cubemate from out of the blue: "I hate peeing."

Office Guy: "What?"

Cubemate: "I so much hate peeing! I do it all the time! You don't know, I have to get up like 3 times during the night just to go pee!"

Me: (muffled laughter)

Cubemate: "Don't you guys appreciate the info? At least I share!"

Yes, it's one of those days...............

And one for good luck

My cubemate is sitting on her desk with her legs kicked up on to her chair trying to convince some poor fool on the phone that she might just give in to his charms if he buys her breakfast, lunch, and dinner--"that's three dates!"

Monday, June 27, 2005

Life imitating art?

Overheard while "Office Guy" was away:

"I had to dump him cause he kept accusing me of cheating on him! Well, I was cheating on him, but he didn't have to accuse me of it!"

Minty Fresh

Her: I need a peice of gum, now that he mentioned it.
Me: You've needed a piece of gum all day.
Her: I've needed a peice of ass all day!
Me: *silence*
Her: God, I love myself.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Must be the drugs I'm taking...

I know this can't be right, but I could swear I just heard this conversation between my cubemate, and OTHER OFFICE GUY's cubemate, yelled over the cubicle walls.

OOG's CUBEMATE: Did you want a drink today, CUBEMATE?
MY CUBEMATE: The tooth fairy?
OOG's: No , Jim.
MINE: Hold on! What? Who?
OOG's: Jim! Did you water Jim?!?
MINE: I'm watering me after work.

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if that's exactly what they said.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Two Timing Cracker Thieves

I probably am a bad person for provoking her, but sometimes I can't help myself. Start from the bottom and read up, so you get that real corporate email feeling.

From: Her
Sent: Wednesday, June 22, 2005 2:12 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: Triscuit Thief

I should and then she would like "that jerk"
_____________________________________________

From: Me
Sent:
Wednesday, June 22, 2005 2:12 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: Triscuit Thief

Tell her he was the one who stole your crackers.


-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Wednesday, June 22, 2005 2:02 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: Triscuit Thief

I know OFFICE DRONE #4 and she would over react. It's none of my business but she was like he is such a nice guy. They are all nice on the outside:-) _____________________________________________


From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, June 22, 2005 2:02 PM
To: Her
Subject:
RE: Triscuit Thief

I don't know. Would you want her to tell you if one of your boyfriends was stealing your triscuts?


-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Wednesday, June 22, 2005 1:59 PM
To: Me
Subject:
RE: Triscuit Thief


So check this out I saw that guy OFFICE DRONE #4 is talking about last night when I was leaving. I know his ride and it was two lanes over. I tried moving up so I could see what he looked like and he had some chick in the passenger seat. It maybe a friend, family whatever but I didn't tell her because I know she will over react. Do you think that is wrong of me? It's none of my business and I have no idea what his story is so I feel I shouldn't open a bag of worms
_____________________________________________


From: Me
Sent:
Wednesday, June 22, 2005 1:57 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: Triscuit Thief

Some punctuation or relevance to the email you were replying to might have knocked it down to, oh, I don't know, 2 seconds. Maybe even faster than that.


-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Wednesday, June 22,
2005 1:54 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: Triscuit Thief

Wow! Only 5 minutes it took for you to figure it out:-) _____________________________________________


From: Me
Sent:
Wednesday, June 22, 2005 1:53 PM
To: Her
Subject: FW: Triscuit Thief

Wait, I figured it out. That was a rhetorical question, wasn't it?

"So, like, is chocolate in? Because this guy is black, too."

-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, June 22, 2005 1:48 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE: TriscuitTheif

Was that in english?

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Wednesday, June 22, 2005 1:47 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: Triscuit Theif

So like is chocolate in because this guy is black too
_____________________________________________

From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, June 22, 2005 1:41 PM
To: Her
Subject: TriscuitTheif

If it wasn't OFFICE DRONE #3 it was THE TEMP.

Someone Ate my Freaking Triscuits

Maybe its not the right answer to the question, but its the best one I've overheard in a while.

Accounting Drone #17: CUBEMATE, i'm looking for a copy of the batch from June 14. I have the backup that ANOTHER ACCOUNTING DRONE gave me, but the originals never made it over here, and I'm not sure how to procede with out them. Can you pull your backup and let me have a copy so we can get this processed?

My Cubemate: NO! SOMEONE ATE MY FREAKING TRISCUITS! I'm going to have THE SUPERVISOR get me a lock and I'm locking up all my crap, because they ate my jolly ranchers too. I don't really care about my jolly ranchers, someone could eat those if they were starving--but I hope they choke on them--but it is so not cool to steal my triscuits, especially when I am craving them right now!

But Hopefully Not in her Cubicle

My cubemate, who honestly hasn't been too much fun lately due to a temporary case of heartbreak (I give it three days before she is back in the saddle, or saddles, as the case may be), just walked into her cubicle, looked at her ever growing pile of work and announced "Screw that, I'm peeing!"

Friday, June 17, 2005

Things to remember if I ever lose all my good sense and try to seduce my cube-mate

Lesson #1 - Lock up the dog
"I'm really tired because I stayed out till 11 last night. I'd be even more tired if I got lucky, but, well, I was with this guy named Andy--His dog chewed up my shoes, the little bastard--He was really sweet, he made me salad and brought me food and whatever I wanted but after his little bastard chewed up my shoes I decided he wasn't getting any."


Thursday, June 16, 2005

Not that she's sucking my soul or anything, but...

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Does she take after her friends, or do her friends take after her?

Half whispered, half yelled, into the phone:

"Shut up! So she was going commando wearing her white thin linen pants?"

While You Were Gone.

My network of spies report that while I was away from my desk checking out the machine gun wielding mini-tank that some joker decided to to drive to work, my cube-mate spouted off an all time classic:


"I wouldn't sleep with someone I just met unless he gave me a morning after pill first."

Thanks to THE OTHER OFFICE GUY for catching that.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Unhealthily Obsessed

Sometimes I can't help myself.

From: Me
Sent: Friday, June 10, 2005 1:53 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE:

Is she also stupid? If so it would be like hitting the trifecta!

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Friday, June 10, 2005
1:53 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:

She is UGLY and fat! I have no idea. I think it is some sick sex circle.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Me
Sent: Friday, June 10, 2005 1:52 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE:

Wait, if Ty is gay why would he care if THE TEMP is trying to steal his (ugly?)woman. I am so lost. I thought THE TEMP was into Tabitha, whoever she is.

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Friday, June 10, 2005
1:40 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:

I don't know why she tells me. I think she does want Misty and Ty knows she does. Honestly I think Ty is bi sexual if not gay and is only with Misty for a cover up. I also think Ty knows THE TEMP is gay. I would but THE GAY COUSIN finds women disgusting.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Me
Sent: Friday, June 10, 2005 1:34 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE:

And why does THE TEMP think you are interested in her little threesome*? You know what, you ought to hook her up with THE GAY COUSIN since they are both gay.

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Friday, June 10, 2005
1:31 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:

Ty is this guy who thinks THE TEMP is trying to take his woman. Now that they are fighting she is keeping her clear. I think she caused some problems in their relationship. Misty is Hawaiian and Ty is Samoan. Put it this way, they are all BIG and UGLY

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Me
Sent: Friday, June 10, 2005 1:30 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE:

Who are Ty and Misty? Is she stealing Ty's woman?

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Friday, June 10, 2005
1:27 PM
To: Me
Subject:

So I'm getting tired of THE TEMP telling me how Ty is jealous of her with Misty. I'm thinking of just coming out and asking her if she's gay




* And while we are at it, why do you think I am interested?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

We're both speaking english, but...

...I don't have clue what she is talking about.


Her (out of the blue): Did you know Curtis and Donny are the same people?
Me: I don't know who Curtis and Donny are.
Her: They're the same people .
Me: Who are? What?
Her: And Jose and Fernando.
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Her: Jose and Fernando are the same people just like Curtis and Donny.

And then she shut up. All further inquiries about Curtis, Donny, Jose and Fernando have been met with a wall of silence. I'm pretty sure that my cubemate--along with the four stooges-- are part of a secret government project to drive me insane.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Round 2

1:07 PM: after an hour and 42 minute intermission, fighting commences with boyfriend #2. I really, really hope she's going for a trifecta and will argue with at least three boy toys in one day.

Worth quoting:

"How am I lazy? Actually, I am lazy, but where the hell do YOU get off calling me that?"

I Drink So I Can Remeber

8:03 AM: Fighting commences.

It's all too much for my sleep deprived brain to absorb this time of the morning, but I can report this one little tidbit:

"You think that just because you get me drunk and take advantage of me I can't remember anything? Is that it? Well you are full of shit, because I drink A LOT and I can remember some stuff. More than if I didn't drink that much."