Big Time Drama in the Adjoining Cubicle

Friday, July 29, 2005

What My Cubemate DIDN'T Do Last Night

Cubemate: SOME OFFICE GUY, can you believe it, I didn't even get up once to go bathroom last night!

Me: Your prostate must be getting better.

Cubemate: Do you think that was the problem?

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

He's baiting her

CUBEMATE: I need some new clothes. Pretty soon I won't be able to fit into the clothes I have.

SOME OFFICE GUY: I wouldn't worry about fitting into your clothes. I would worry about fitting into your closet.

CUBEMATE:................Oh, no. I have a big closet.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Among other things...

When my Cubemate emails me, I never know where it's going to lead, but I can almost always guarantee it will be entertaining. Today's example is typical, though hardly extrodinary, coming from a person who measures her coworker's butt imprints in their chairs when they leave their desks. Start at the bottom and scroll up, like usual.

From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:45 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:48 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

But he's a jackass for not believing you anyway?

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:47 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

OH IT'S NOT STOPPING ME, NORMALLY I WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HIM BUT DON'T CARE NOW. HE SO KNOWS ME AND KNOWS I STRAIGHT LIED TO HIM:-)

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:46 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

Don't let the fact that he was right stop you.

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:45 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

DID I TELL YOU I TOLD BOYFREIND #1 THAT THE FELON WAS OVER HE WAS NOT HAPPY WITH ME. HE ASKED IF I DID ANYTHING AND I WAS LIKE NO BUT I KNOW HE KNOWS I DID SOMETHING
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From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:36 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

If the baby is cute, you could always sell it on ebay....

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:35 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

NO HE WANTED ME TO HELP HIM HAVE A BABY GIRL . HE HAS THREE SON'S...I DON'T SEE MYSELF AS A SINGLE MOTHER


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:34 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

Whoa, hold up! Your felon wanted to have a baby girl with some otherguy? WTF kind of relationship is this?

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:34 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

YOU KNOW HE WANTED TO HAVE A BABY GIRL WITH HIM. FOR SOME REASON I DON'T SEE THAT HAPPENING

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:33 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

All the more reason to tie him down before you become just the mama of his twins.

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:33 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. HE HAS TOO MANY BABIE'S MAMA'S

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:32 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

I won't talk to OTHER OFFICE GUY about it if you invite me to the wedding when the felon finally drags you to the alter.

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:27 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

THAT ALSO MEANS DON'T TALK TO OTHER OFFICE GUY ABOUT IT

------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:27 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

You're safe.The only thing OTHER OFFICE GUY'S CUBEMATE and I talk about is Garvis.

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:26 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

SHE IS SPRUNG ON "DUDE" FOR SOME REASON. DON'T TELL HER I TOLD YOU THIS...I WILL KNOW IF YOU DO BECAUSE I KNOW SHE DOESN'T TALK ABOUT HER GUY ISSUES AT WORK

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:25 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

I can't deal with that. SOME OFFICE GUYS EX was that way. No I have to give up all my hopes for scoring with OTHER OFFICE GUYS CUBEMATE....

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:25 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

NO YOU NATURALLY ARE ONE:-) YEAH, SHE WAITS FOR HIM TO CALL HER AND WHEN HE DOES SHE STOPS WHATEVER SHE IS DOING OR WHOEVER SHE IS CHILLIN WITH TO GO AND BE WITH HIM

--------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:23 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

DUDE has her sitting by the phone? I didn't think OTHER OFFICE GUY'S CUBEMATE would be a phone sitter. I hate that. It makes me feel like I have to call or I'm an asshole, so too oftenI just decide to be an asshole.

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005
2:22 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

YEP, SHE IS ALL YEAH I HUNG OUT WITH DUDE LAST NIGHT OR I WAITED FOR DUDE TO CALL ME BACK AND HE NEVER DID

------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:21 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

She calls him DUDE?

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005
2:19 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE:

NO, SHE USE TO SIT NEXT TO ME AND ACCOUNTS PAYABLE DRONE USED TO SIT WHERE SHE DOES. WELL, ONE DAY SHE QUIT TALKING TO ME AND THEN ASKED THE BIG CHEESE IF SHE COULD MOVE HER DESK. OUT OF NO WHERE SHE WOULDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME BUT IT WASN'T ME SHE SAID. I THINK SHE IS DOING HER MOOD THING AGAIN. IT'S WEIRD TOO BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONE WHO ASKS ME TO GO ON WALKS WITH HER. OUR WALKS CONSISTS OF HER TELLING ME ABOUT "DUDE"

----------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:17 PM
To: HER
Subject: RE:

I doubt it's just you. She probably does it to everyone. Either that, or she wants your felon and is insanely jealous.

-----Original Message-----
From: HER
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005
2:16 PM
To: ME
Subject:

OTHER OFFICE GUY'S CUBEMATE GOES THRU THESE MOODS WITH ME WHERE SHE IS COOL WITH ME AND THEN OUT OF NO WHERE SHE WON'T TALK TO ME. I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT IF IT WAS SOMETHING I DID OR SAID TO HER. EVERY OTHER MONTH SHE DOES THIS.

Ahhh........

SOME OFFICE GUY has returned to our cubicle haven and the wonderful inappropriate comments begin to spew forth like blooms after a summer shower.

Apparently he is the catalyst in the equation. I will leave it to him to document and record the latest........

This does not bode well...

With SOME OFFICE GUY out of the office on personal leave, it has fallen to me to record all of CUBEMATE'S inappropriate goodness for posterity.

However, something is terribly, terribly wrong. Strain my ears as hard as I might, I have overheard nothing but appropriate, professional comments from her this Monday morning. Could it be someone has spoken with her? Could she *gasp* have found out about this blog? Could it be possible that she has just ran out of dysfunctional relationships to converse about?

I hope not. What fun would there be in THAT?

Friday, July 22, 2005

Louie Anderson?

If I had a nickle for every person my cubemate hates...

"There's this guy staying at my grandpa's house and I hate him. I hate him. I hate him so much. I'm gonna go over there tonight and kick him out--that's how much I hate him. He looks like a white Oprah Winfrey. I have nothing against Oprah, but that's what he looks like."

Random Ugly Guys

It's 8:20 am. My coffee is finally cooled down enough to enjoy. I'm about to take a sip when my cubemate, who is back in the office after a family emergency, feels the need to make an announcement.

"I've been having some ugly guy call me!"

Why am I not surprised?

"Is this some random ugly guy, or is this an ugly guy you know?" I ask.

"Some ugly guy I know! He's so gross. He hooked up with my friend, and was all like ' I could have had you two years ago.' Yeah right, i was like 'Don't be calling me at 3:30 in the morning because my uncle just died.' and he was like 'All the more reason to go out to that thing at Koots'.

The poor guy is never going to get far with that approach. He should have offered her a chili dog.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

On Hiatus

Message from THE BOSS:


CUBEMATE will not be in today.

THE BIG CHEESE

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Our little girl is growing up..............

CUBEMATE: Y'know, I am so proud of myself! I didn't get any spaghetti on me! Well, I got it on my shirt................

It's not my place to judge, but...

My cubemate is eating Doritos and yogurt for breakfast.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Hits Keep Coming

"You know, I was walking behind UNATTRACTIVE OFFICE WOMAN and I whistled at her like I usually do, but there was a guy walking in front of her, and he though it was for him. I was like, no, that's for UNATTRACTIVE OFFICE WOMAN. And you know what, it was the guy who farted. You know? The one who farted in the elevator last week. I so told you about that."

The Cubemate Diet

"You know, I'm not one of those people who stops eating when they get sick. You know those people, who lose like 20 pounds while they are puking? I wish I was like that. I could be puking for two weeks and still never lose weight."

Now it gets personal.

While Other Office Guy was out on a smoke break, the OFFICE TROLL was helping my cubemate out with a minor accounting drone problem, when, lo and behold, the conversation took an amazing--though I can hardly say unexpected--turn.
CUBEMATE: How old is Other Office Guy's chair?

OFFICE TROLL: Older than dirt.

CUBEMATE: Its got no padding either.

TROLL: No padding.

CUBEMATE: No padding!

TROLL: He loves that chair. He had a fight with the ergonomics lady over that chair.

CUBEMATE: He's got a small butt-butt too. I checked the imprint.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Back in her good graces.

Work has been so peaceful lately. I got a well deserved week of the silent treatment after reminding my job seeking cubemate that this was her first real job, and she didn't know how good she had it compared to other companies that existjust to suck the souls of their employees--that should really be listed in most mission statements, right above increasing stock holder value.

Well, the silent treatment is over. My loss.

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 1:48PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:

YOU KNOW YOU WERE TURNED ON BY IT :)
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From: Me
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 1:39 PM
To: Her
Subject:
RE:

Fine, ruin my fun. First you try to hook me up with your friends, than you rip them away. Now you won't even hook up with the felon, even though it would be the most entertaining thing to happen in months. See if I care!

By the way, do you know how wrong it is to hear these words come out of OFFICE TROLL's mouth: "Oh yeah, they are the hardest to do because they're so big and there are so many places you can stick it."


-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 1:39 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:

WE ARE NOT GOING TO HANG OUT...I DON'T THINK WE ARE AT LEAST....I HAVE TO KEEP HIM OUT OF MY LIFE HE WAS TRYING TO GET ME PREGO AND THAT IS NOT COOL
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Me
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 1:34 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE:

Aw, now I'll never get my chance to sleep with your friends. Damn. My life is ruined. So how long till you and the felon are hanging out again?

-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 1:33 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:

SHE CALLED ME YESTERDAY....I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER SINCE I WAS SUPPOSE TO GO WITH HER. SHE MET SOME GUY ONLINE AND IS GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH HIM ON SUNDAY. YEAH THAT IS THE FELON


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Me
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 1:32 PM
To: Her
Subject: RE:

This is your babies prison bound daddy, right? You should hook him up with that girl you were trying to set me up with.


-----Original Message-----
From: Her
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 1:30 PM
To: Me
Subject:

THE OTHER GUY CALLED ME. I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM IN A COUPLE WEEKS. I SAW HIM OUT SATURDAY NIGHT AND WALKED THE OTHER WAY. HE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT BUT I WAS LIKE I'M TIRED AND HUNG UP THE PHONE

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Four Words...

"...gay boots from Oklahoma..."

3....2....1.....

SOME OFFICE GUY: They scrubbed the shuttle launch.

CUBEMATE'S PARTNER: Really? That was today? Was that here?

ME: Yeah, they were launching it from LOCAL AIRSTRIP downtown.

CUBEMATE'S PARTNER: Wow. I didn't even hear about that. Were you and SOME OFFICE GUY going to watch it from CFO'S office?


And just think. She can vote.

Maybe it's your spleen?

I overheard this little snippet from a good four or five cubicles away, while my cubemate was off visiting friends between personal calls.

"OFFICE TROLL, my back is sore! It's been sore for like three days, and I thought it would get better, but still hurts, even when I'm at home."

"Maybe you need a new mattress. You're supposed to change them every seven to 10 years, you know."

"No, but BOWLING ALLEY DINING FRIEND told me that I have a kidney problem because I am always peeing all the time."

"I don't think you're kidney's are up there behind your lungs though."

"I don't know, OFFICE TROLL. Those things aren't always where you think they are."

They call them an "Ex" for a reason.....

Cubemate: So, have you and your ex-wife considered having more kids?

Me: Huh? What the hell are you talking about?

Cubemate: I saw this thing on Jerry Springer the other day that a lot of divorced parents are having more kids. Wouldn't you like to do that?

Me:.............

( let's not even go into the fact that the current wife's reaction would involve the police and forensic's)

Monday, July 11, 2005

Just what?.........What?

Overheard at roughly the same decibel level as an F-16 on takeoff:

"You know BOYFREIND #1, why dont you.......you......why don't you just.........just..........you........you can just............you..............you just...." (slams phone down)


Come on now! We need closure here.

High Class Luncheon

"So, like, yesterday I was with A FRIEND and we wanted a chili-dog, but we couldn't find any. So A FRIEND said lets just go in into Center Bowl to eat. I'm like I don't know why we went in there, but we did, and the lady was like 40 but trying to look like a teenager. I was so embarrased for her!"

I roll my eyes.

"No, Get this. She was like, well, her style was 80's, but she was wearing a button down shirt, and she was had the figure and everything, you know a big chest, only her whole right boobie was sticking out."

"The whole thing?" I ask. Maybe there is a reason for bowling alley dining after all.

"All of it."

"My question is this, Cubemate: Who goes to bowling alley for lunch?"

"I don't know. I don't know why we just didn't go to eat at the gas station or something. I mean, she bought me mine, and I was like I can't do this. The woman was all up on my nachos with her bare hands and germs, and who knows what else. I was like ewww!

Five minutes later, out of the blue, in the hallway outside the breakroom: "The guys were nice though!"

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

What my cubemate did for 4th of July.

I'm sure this makes sense in context, but then nothing my cubemate ever says is in context.

I never peed outside so much in my life! Oh my god, that is so disgusting! There was no bugs, but still... I'm lucky I didn't get bit!