Big Time Drama in the Adjoining Cubicle

Monday, October 31, 2005

Out of context

Cubemate is on the phone again, and though I don't have a clue what she is talking about, I'm almost positive its possibly kind-of-sort-of earth-shattering.

"So she was like 'I'm gay!' and I am like 'I'm thirsty' and she was like 'I can tell' and I was like 'So can I, because it's huge.'"

Friday, October 28, 2005

The devil's in the details

Listening to CUBEMATE on the phone:

"It's that...thing, you know? I don't know what it is called. Its that whatchacallit, you know what it is. It should be over by the know. Well, I haven't actually seen it, but you know what I am talking about.....Right?"

What's for lunch?

Unattractive Accounting Drone: "...Well, we could order soup from SOME RESTAURANT"

Cubemate: "No, last time we ordered from there, I got the Chowder, and it made me vomit."

Unattractive Drone: "You could order Chili"

Cubemate: "No, then I'll get gas, and everyone will have to smell me all day"

Drone: "You should have been there last night, My son farted in front of his girlfriend. I told him he was disgusting, and he said that there was nothing wrong with farting around her because she spends all day at school farting."

Cubemate: "Oh yeah, I remember doing that."

Thursday, October 27, 2005

A vision of beauty

CUBEMATE: Gawd! My nose is all red and gross looking!

SOME OFFICE GUY: Stop with the cocaine already.

CUBEMATE: Stop! I'm serious! My nose is all red and to top it off I have this huge pimple growing out of it!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I knew it!

This morning, my cubemate toild me she just found out that one of her boyfriends, THE CONVICT, just became a daddy again, for like the 400th time. To counter the afternoon doldrums, I decided to revisit this subject.

"So, Cubemate, does the fact that your convict have even more babies than you knew about mean anything to you?"

"Oh yeah, I can't do that anymore. I gotta get rid of him"

"You've been saying that for the last year, Cubemate."

"Yeah, but I mean it this time. I mean, if he just had another kid, how am I supposed to know who he's sleeping with? Men or women?"

"You think your convict is sleeping with men?"

"Oh yeah, he's been in jail."

It's going to be a good day.

You know its going to be a good day when the first thing your cubemate says to you after showing up at her desk is ""Oh oh oh, some office guy, I've so got to to tell you something. You know, strippers are like such dirty people!"

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Good Eatin'

SOME OFFICE GUY: "Oh, no. CUBEMATE, I am a moron."

CUBEMATE: "Why, SOG? What's up?"

SOG: "I just poured oatmeal into my coffee.........."

Monday, October 24, 2005

Elevator Chitchat

Cubemate: What did you do this weekend, Some Office Guy?

Some Office Guy: I drank a lot of beer, placed 9th in the PokerStars Blogger Tourney, and won an xBox 360!

CubeMate: Oh, okay. Whatever. I stayed at home, and locked my dog in the kitchen cause I was mad at her. Then when I let her out, she pissed on the carpet. I am so going to rub her little nose in it when I get home. Oh, and did I tell you about CONVICT BOYFRIEND....

Friday, October 21, 2005

It's been awhile

"You know, I liked Gwen Stefani when she was like"--BUUUUUURP--"Wow, excuse me! Dude, I think I'm going to start spitting now. Maybe scratching my butt."

The Hatchet Incident

CUBEMATE seems to be very quiet today, indeed hasn't even been at her desk for the last 45 minutes or so. In the interest of fairness I shall now relate my own "Not quite right" moment for your amusement.

A long time ago in a land not very far from here (4 city blocks to be precise) the Ex and I were schlupping along the aisles of the local Fred Meyer. This was pre-Ex days, actually pre-marriage days, so the now-Ex was feeling a bit playfull. Every now and then when I wasn't looking the sneaky minx would reach out and pinch my ass, then giggle at my reactions.

Now, I have never like having my ass pinched, then, now, or ever, but of course you can't show TOO much exasperation towards the woman you are hoping to get a little snuggle time in with later. (and maybe a little sumthin-sumthin extra? wink-wink) So, as we are passing by hardware, I try to keep track of her with my peripheral vision while selecting a shiny new hatchet from a display that had been set up. Putting on my best "psycho-crazed-killer look" I spun in Ex's direction growling "Go ahead! Pinch my butt now!"

It wasn't her.

Standing where I THOUGHT the Ex was supposed to be was a frail, balding little guy with thick glasses and no chin at all to speak of. Truly a classic milquetoast in every sense of the word. Because he was of diminutive stature and wearing the same color shirt as Ex my limited side view couldn't make the distinction until the moment I was brandishing a edged weapon over his head making unsavory demands. The color drained from his face and his lower lip started to quiver spasmodically. Realizing what I had just done, I let out a manly "whups - sorry", dropped the hatchet, and got the hell out of there before I found out first hand just how much bladder control milquetoast really had.

Truly not one of my finer moments.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Separated at birth?

Some Office Guy: "So I see Donald Trump is getting upset with Martha Stewart."

CUBEMATE: "Really? Why is that SOG?"

SOG: "Well, apparently his show isn't getting the ratings it once did and he thinks people are getting confused by the similarities between them"

(brief pause for reflection)

CUBEMATE: "I don't think they even look that much alike."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

About that new temp...

She's dead, Jim.

Some Office Guy: Did we lose our new temp, BOSSWOMAN?
Bosswoman: Yes.
Some Office Guy: I'm so sad. Who's going to sing to me now?
Bosswoman: You can't tell me Cubemate doesn't sing?

Promising developments

We've got a new temp around the cube farm. She's been here two days, and is already giving my cubemate a run for her money. I'm not sure what I like more:

  • The fact that she dances in her cubicle while she is operating the paper cutter.
  • The not so subtle sounds of her singing along to R&B and Hip-Hop as it drifts over the cubicle walls.
  • The fact that she answered her phone "I told you not to call me on this phone, you stupid, little boy!"
  • Or the fact that just minutes before that she was telling us how all children are God's little angels.

You know its bad when even my cubemate thinks she's a screwball. Updates to follow.

In other news, which is probably of no interest to anyone but me:

Poker Championship

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 9829592

If you play poker, and have a blog, you've got no excuse for not entering this tournament.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Obviously, I'm hanging around the wrong cubicles.

Cubemate: Some office guy, I just made a mess and got that stuff all over my hands! And then I did it again and made a mess all over OFFICE TROLL's desk!

Me: You know, I think its better if I just don't know what you're talking about.

Puke Vomit Sh*t

I'm really trying hard not to listen in one CUBEMATE and ACCOUNTS PAYABLE DRONE'S coversation, but somethings are just too much for my delicate ears.

Cubemate: mumble mumble PUKE PUKE PUKING mumble.
AP Drone: OH, mumble, mumble, PUKE VOMIT PUKING HAIRBALL.
AP DRONE: mumble mumble, eat grass, PUKE VOMIT, SHIT.
Cubemate: Shit!

Fat girls on laughing gas.

It's 9:01 AM, and Cubemate is, surprisingly enough, not on the phone arguing with one of her dozens of boyfriends. Instead he's sitting in her cubicle, giggling like a drunken 10 year old.

"I am so chubby!!!"

This is followed by more laughter.

Despite the obvious temptation to ask Cubemate for a drink the bottle she must have hidden in her desk, I restraing myself and instead ask "You? Chubby?" Despite eating every 2 seconds, the cubemate is not chubby. If I cared to think about, I suppose it might have something to do with the constant vomiting.

"Yes! Hahahahahaha, I am so fat! Like, I'm a fatty!"

"I want a nitrous oxide tank in my cubicle too."

Friday, October 14, 2005

Random Though Spewing

"Some office Guy, I am so hungry."

This nothing new. CUBEMATE eats every hour on the hour. About the only time she doesn't eat is at lunch, when she orders something extravagent (say a steak and baked potato) and then puts it in the fridge to whither.

"Why am I not surprised?" I ask.

"Well, I ate that bag of beef jerky, and I had a lunchable, and some candy and a bagel. Oohmygod Some Office Guy, I am so fat and hungry and tired."

Considering the fact that it's not even 10 AM, I choose to respond with silence.

"My dog is in season, did I tell you that? Oh and RANDOM FRIEND said she almost got lucky last week. She hasn't been with anybody since she got divorced...."

Addendum: 3 minutes later

"Some office guy, I just threw up twice. Ok get this, I went into the bathroom, you know, because I had to pee really bad since I had so much coffee earlier, but it like totally stunk in there because someone had taken a big crap, so instead of peeing, I leaned over the toilet and blew chunks. Twice! Isn't that gross???"

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Nor can I explain this one.

CUBEMATE: So did you hear OTHER OFFICE GUY? They fired the coffee girl!

ME: We had a coffee girl?

CUBEMATE: Yeah! She came in late, like, 3 days in a row so they sent her a letter that her services were no longer required!

ME: Wait. We had a coffee girl?

CUBEMATE: She used to tell me some wiiiiiiiiild stories!

ME: Are we getting another coffee girl?

CUBEMATE: From what she was telling me we have some real freaky-dinks working in this building...........Oops, thats my phone! (bounces off)

ME: Wait! I need to know about this coffee girl!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

No, I can't explain this conversation.

CUBEMATE: Some office guy, it feels like I've got something in my nose.

ME: Snot?

CUBEMATE: No, it feels more like a boogy.

ME: Isn't that usually associated with snot?

CUBEMATE: Some office guy, you're a jerk! There's something in my nose, and you don't care!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Bathroom Humor

CUBEMATE: "So, I go to use the bathroom, and there is a BOY in there!"

ME: "A boy?" - painful memories of 5th grade pranks swimming back at me.

CUBEMATE: "Well, a man, anyway. Cleaning the bathroom. I guess this is what I get for holding it. I am so tempted to use the urinal in the mens room right now."

Me: "You are aware that there are 16 other floors in this building, aren't you? They ALL have ladies rooms on them."

CUBEMATE: "Oh, I'll wait."

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Disturbing mental images

CUBEMATE: "I'm telling you, SERIOUSLY UNATTRACTIVE CO-WORKER WITH WEIGHT CONTROL ISSUES, you should try a whole body mask. It might help that skin condition."

Please. PLEASE! No more..................

What Really Matters

The Scene: Cubemate, Office Troll, and Some Office Guy are gathered at our cubicles, discussing the recent layoffs.

CUBEMATE: You know, they moved the BURLY MAN-WOMAN TEMP to the OTHER BUSINESS LINE OFFICE to help out over there half time. I Don't think anyone over there knows how to do anything now that they let most of them go.

OFFICE TROLL: Well, you know they brought UNHEALTHY OLD RADIO MAN back because no one knew how to do his job. I didn't think anyone could do his job, and I was right. I wonder if he is back with us full time?

CUBEMATE: And Senior Accountant has been screwing up these recaps from the OTHER BUSINESS LINE office. They didn't train her on how to do it before they let everyone over there go.

OFFICE TROLL: I think if I was making up the list of people to let go, I could have done much better.

SOME OFFICE GUY: But at least the MAJOR CUSTOMER PROJECT LEADER isn't here anymore...

CUBEMATE: Oh, oh oh! I have to interrupt you guys. Did you watch MTV last night? They did this show where they took sixteen year old girls and threw them a birthday party. Those girls dance so much nastier than anything you seen in the clubs. They were all grinding on their little boyfriends and getting all nasty. And did you know that a boy diva is called a Divo? Seriously, there was this little boy who strutted around....

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Incontinence in the office.

Another choice tidbit drifted over my fabric covered half-wall today.

CUBEMATE: I swear, I need to start wearing diapers!

(General laughter from the peon populace)

CUBEMATE: I'm serious! Then I won't be getting up every half hour!

Monday, October 03, 2005

No, I don't get it either.

Cubemate: Hey TEMP, would you be interested in doing a girls night?

Big burly Temp girl: Uh, yeah, maybe.

Cubemate: It's just for your feet.

Temp: What? Bring your fruit?

Cubemate: We're just going to be doing our feet.

Temp: Metaphorically, or literally?

Cubemate: We're all going to have pretty feet!