Big Time Drama in the Adjoining Cubicle

Friday, December 30, 2005

Origami Sex Toys

CubeMate: Some Office Guy, do you want any white paper?

Some Office Guy: I want a nap.

Cubemate: Seriously, its really nice white paper. Its big, and its white, and you can take it home and play with it.

Some Office Buy: Can I use it as a pillow?

Cubemate: No, but what do you need a pillow for anyway? Are you going to shove it under some girls ass? Because you could use the nice white paper for that too!

Some Office Guy: ...

Cubemate: That reminds me of this one time I got a papercut...

Happy new year, everyone!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The Christmas Spirit has left the Building

It's 8:15 AM and cubemate has already yelled into her phone 3 times and hung up on two seperate people. Happy New Years!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Are we there yet?

Tuesday, December 27th, 8:05 AM: I enter the office, sit down at my desk, and am promptly greeted by a quartet of little plastic pigs on cubemate's desk singing "Very Merry Christmas"--no song, just that one line over and over and over gain.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Deep Thoughts with Cubemate

"You know what, Some office guy? I love taking baths. Me and THE CONVICT always used to take baths together, before I decided to stop bathing other people. Oh, but I hate people who aren't bathing every day. Like look at THE GOOFY TEMP. Have you seen her dandruff? I swear, she has the worst worst dandruff. There is no way she bathes every day with that dandruff. It turns my stomach. Its as bad as SUPERVISOR's new scar.

Oh my god, that reminds me, have you seen what happens to a pregnant person with a belly button ring? I wonder what those smell like, belly button rings? I bet they stink, especially when people have fat belly buttons. I knew this girl that used to smell everything..."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Joyeux Noël Foutu

Other Office Guy is out downing southern comfort on vacation for the rest of 2005, and lucky him. While he enjoys his barstool, I get to enjoy Cubemate singing Feliz Navidad.

I was pretty sure I could get away from that fate until Celine Dion came on the radio singing that great French-Canadian hit herself, and cubemate announced:

"Oh my God, I so want to sing for you guys, but I don't have a very good voice. Oh well, screw it! Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad..."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The concept of TMI

Cubemate: "Other Office Guy! New Billing Person ruined my pee! She came into the bathroom with a bloody nose and I got all shy and everything and couldn't go!"

Me: ..............................

New Billing Person: "Sorry about that. I didn't realize my bleeding would disturb you like that."

Cubemate went down to Georgia

So Cubemate has stepped away from her desk, but that doesn't mean the fun can't continue. Right now, at this very moment, I am being treated to a country chrstmas banjo & fiddle rendition of 'Oh Come all ye Faithful' over her computer's tinny speakers. And her #$!@*% screensaver is locked so I can't even click click click and make the bad music stop.

Not that I'm going insane or anything.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Was this meant for me?

Sweet, Microsoft Outlook says I have new email. What could it be? More work? A meeting request? Updates on the birthday cake schedule (this month with Chips and Salsa!)? No, it's this totally inexplicable email.

-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Tuesday, December 13, 2005 3:35 PM
To: Some Office Guy

Since they are all fat they go to buffets like all the time

They go to China King so often she is tired it

I'm not into buffets

Say again???

Cubemate: "OTHER OFFICE GUY! Can I make a request?"

Me: "No!"

Cubemate: "You want me at your desk? Ok!"

(5 seconds of stunned silence)

Some Office Guy: "Did I just hear what I think I heard?"

I KNEW I should have joined Secret Santa!

ASSISTANT ACCOUNTING DRONE: "Cubemate, Look what I got from my secret Santa! Are you doing the Secret Santa this year?"

CUBEMATE: "No and I'm so freaking pissed off because he keeps telling me he's gonna order these and he hasn't. 5:30 am! 7 am! 9 PM! Barely Legal #51, Ten's Skankin It! Ten's Hand Jive! What the hell he didn't give me enough money for that porn, and that's so not right."

Friday, December 09, 2005

Frog Legnog and Strippers

Cubemate: So are you feeling better today, some office guy?

Me: Yeah, my throat doesn't hut anymore, but my ears are plugged up. I guess that means I won't die of the bird flu.

Cubemate: Yeah, my cousing Pam said she is sick, too, but she's just sick from kissing too many strippers.

Me: (Silence)

Cubemate: What? She's a lesbian.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Quiet. TOO quiet.......

So, SOME OFFICE GUY called in sick today, apparently the victim of one too many Frog Legnog's from last night. As a result, CUBEMATE has been almost silent today, except for one random outburst that could have been part realization, part epiphany when she screamed "AH! I AM SO OUT OF BALANCE!!"

Given her level of mathmatical capability, I am prone to chalk that one up to frustration, however.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Some Office Guy's month get's even stranger

with this advent calendar.

Monday, December 05, 2005

One month of pure hell commences NOW.

It's only been 3 hours so far, but already I am 98% ready to go postal after listening to the non-stop Christmas music coming from Cubemate's internet radio. Maybe, maybe, if it was just the standards I could grin and bear it, but when they play the Chipmunks (obviously satanic) Christmas song twice an hour, usually followed by an encore of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" and a double serving of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer", well, I'm thinking suicide really isn't that bad an option.

My only other choice is to be like Fortune Hunter, and spend the holidays partying with Canadian space aliens.

Friday, December 02, 2005

The hits keep coming....

CUBEMATE: OMG, It's too late to sign up for secret santa. I so missed the deadline!

SOME OFFICE GUY: I refuse to participate in Secret Santa on the grounds that I don't like candles.

CUBEMATE: What do candles have to do with it?

SOG: You wouldn't understand cause you're not a guy.

CUBEMATE: I'm not?

And that is relevant how?

Me: CUBEMATE - Can I see the batches from the days you were gone to see if LARGE CUSTOMER sent anything I should know about?

CUBEMATE: I used to know this guy that was, like, Six-Eight. He was such a hottie!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I'm not the only one.

You know, before I started working with my (absent) cubemate, I'd have a hard time believing something like this.


Cubemate is out of the office this week. She says she is playing with her little nephews, but I think you know as well as I do that that is just a euphemism for nursing the mother of all hangovers.

While she's gone, I think I'll steal her triscuits.