Big Time Drama in the Adjoining Cubicle

Friday, January 27, 2006

Lunch is served

CUBEMATE: "SOME OFFICE GUY, if you go check the vending machine to see if there are any triscuits in there, I will let you have the rest of my hamburger."

SOME OFFICE GUY: "Um.......wait.......What?"

CUBEMATE: "If you go get me triscuits you can have my hamburger. It's just cold, there's nothing wrong with it."

SOG: "Let me get this straight. You want to trade me a nasty, cold, half-eaten hamburger for me to go get you triscuits?"

CUBEMATE: "I hardly touched it! Look, there are only four or five bites taken out of it! Theres NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!!"

SOG: "Tell you what. I will take your money, and I will go check the machine, but I am NOT eating that hamburger."

CUBEMATE: "Thank you!"

SOG: "But around four o'clock, can I have your soggy, half-eaten nacho's?"

Cubemate is my Pimp?

Out of the blue, I get this email from cubemate. I don't know what she is talking about, but I have an awful feeling she is trying to hook me up.

From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Friday, January 27, 2006 1:05 PM
To: Cubemate
Subject: RE:

Wow that is so not information I needed, whoever you are talking about, but thanks.


-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Friday, January 27, 2006 1:04 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject:

She is so fat that she pulled one of her stomach muscles when she moved in her bed

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

How did that connection get made?

CUBEMATE: "Speaking of the Bird Flu, My neice is so adorable! Let me tell you what she did....."

I left my heart in... Ohio?

CUBEMATE: Is your heart in Ohio, Some office guy?

SOME OFFICE GUY: You know it.

CUBEMATE: Ohio is for lovers. Actually, Amanda, Ohio, is where Norman's from.

SOME OFFICE GUY: Who is Norman?

CUBEMATE: I left my heart in Ohio.

SOME OFFICE GUY: Who is Norman?

CUBEMATE: Does that really matter when he's from Ohio?

Monday, January 23, 2006

Another A'splosion

Frankly, I am not sure what this means. (Scroll up from bottom)
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006

I've tried. I'll you pretend to be me:-)

From: Other Office Guy

Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006

Sorry. No can do. SOX, y'know.

Pass that off on one of your other buddies.


From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006

Not a problem. I will even let him post it if he wants to:-) You know you want to OOG

From: MID LEVEL CHEESE
Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006

CUBEMATE,

Before you post HUGE CUSTOMER this month please let OTHER OFFICE GUY review the accounts.

Thank you,
MID LEVEL CHEESE
Supervisor

Friday, January 20, 2006

Another Epiphany

and a follow up to SOME OFFICE GUYS post below:

CUBEMATE: "OFFICE TROLL, is my face all red? I am all itchy! UUUUGN! I'VE GOT BUGS!!!"

I'm not a dermatologist, but I play one at the office.

CUBEMATE: Some office guy, I have a hive on my belly!

SOME OFFICE GUY: What? You have hives on your belly?

CUBEMATE: Yeah, and I had a hive the other night too and it sucked.

SOG: I imagine.

CUBEMATE: I'd show you my hive, but its on my belly, and I don't want you to see my fat belly.

OTHER OFFICE GUY: Looks like your out of luck again, Some Office Guy

Sighting!


Doing work? Or chatting on IM? YOU be the judge!

Anyone Need a Date?


-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:29 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:


SHE iS SUPPOSE TO BE AT THE SNOW GOOSE TOMORROW. TELL HIM TO APPROACH HER
WHEN SHE HAS HAD 100 DRINKS IN HER




From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:28 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

I have a friend who desperately needs to sleep with a girl who's not fat or ugly
at least once in his life. You should hook him up.

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:22 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:


I WOULDN'T CALL IT THE FIRST DATE. I WOULD SAY WHEN SHE FIRST MEETS THEM...LITERALLY. I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT THAT STUFF BUT PLEASE, SHE IS 31 YEARS OLD AND ACTS LIKE THIS STILL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUNG GIRLS WHO ACT LIKE HER. CAN YOU SAY EASY




From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:16 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:


Okay, she sleeps with all these guys on the first "date", then has to beg
them to take her number, THEN they never call her back. Is she like horrible in
bed or something? Does she just lay there like a lump? Maybe she smells funny?
Is she secretly a man?


-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:14 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:

PRETTY MUCH, SHE NEVER WANTED TO GO THEIR BEFORE. SHE IS FINDING EVERY EXCUSE TO GO OUT THERE. SHE IS SO ANNOYING. LIKE ANYONE WILL CALL YOU BACK WHEN YOU ALREADY GAVE IT UP. ON TOP OF THAT SHE WAS ACTING IMMATURE WHILE WE WERE OUT THERE AND SHE HAD A CRAZY LOOK IN HER EYE




From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:13 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

She's going to stalk him? SWEEEET!

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:13 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject:

ME AND GAY COUSIN ARE TIRED OF HEARING EASY FRIEND SAY "I HOPE HE CALLS ME" I TOLD HER LAST NIGHT SHE IS JINXING HERSELF AND TO STOP, I HOPE SHE GOT THE HINT. I KNOW HE IS NOT GOING TO CALL HER. SHE IS SO DESPERATE SHE IS GOING TO HIPPY TOWN ON SUNDAY



Thursday, January 19, 2006

Not of any relevance at all.

Only because, for about a year, I had to hear about CUBEMATE'S pet rodents (in great detail) and all the amazing, high school level activities they performed, such as getting stuck between the cage bars and having sex in a toilet paper tube.



Please give it up for - the Snack Hamsters

Monday, January 16, 2006

Today's Enigma

I just recieved this email, and, yes, I'll be pondering what it means until my head a'splodes.


-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2006 2:23 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject:

IT'S FUNNY HER SISTER SAID BARROW IS GAY BECAUSE SHE IS

Friday, January 13, 2006

Perfect Likeness


For anyone who may have wondered what CUBEMATE may look like, SOME OFFICE GUY has been kind enough to provide this carefully prepared artist's rendition.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

A brief moment of irony

CUBEMATE: "Dammit! Why do people take my things off of the printer? Can't they LOOK to see that it isn't theirs?"



(as she storms off with MY spreadsheet)

Do you have my... Nevermind.

GL ACCOUNTANT: Cubemate, did my supply order come in yet?


CUBEMATE: What? CONVICT took me to the fights last night! I couldn't believe it!


GL ACCOUNTANT: Cool. Cool.


CUBEMATE: Yeah, there were some good fights.


GL ACCOUNTANT: It was awesome, yeah?


CUBEMATE: No, it was actually so much a gay sport! I never knew! There were these two guys, and they came out and punched each other, then they ended up with their legs wrapped around each other laying on the floor, and I was like, I want to do that!


GL ACCOUNTANT: (silence) ... So, did you get that supply order in?


Cubemate: What?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Belated Birthday greetings

So, I spend the better part of the morning trying to entice CUBEMATE into displaying some truly off-the-wall antics for Fortune Hunter's belated Birthday amusement only to re-discover something depressing.


I suck at baiting people.


The gem of the day so far has been this little conversation:

CUBEMATE: "So, CONVICT was saying how he want's to take me out to Thursday Night at the Fights, you know? So I call and get ticket prices and when I tell him they are like 60 bucks he soooo totally changes his tune."

ME: "You need to date a better class of convict. Maybe someone above dealer level could afford to take you out to the monster truck rallies or maybe go see the WWF when they hit town."

SOME OFFICE GUY: "Maybe eat at McDonalds TWICE a week!"

CUBEMATE: "OOOH! OOOH! I gotta tell you guys this! I know this chick who is a lesbian, right? A real MANLY girl if you know what I mean. Anyway, she works at Arby's and told me I should swing by sometime and she would hook me up! Isn't that gross?"

SOME OFFICE GUY: "So get over there and tell her you have an entire office full of hungry people to feed and see what she says......."

You had to be there.

Overheard in the Elevator: "We could probably calm the angry volcano by offering up Pat Robertson as a sacrafice."

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Aaaaand - right back to this side again.

OVERWEIGHT FEMALE CO-WORKER: How are you feeling, CUBEMATE?

CUBEMATE: I tell ya, my throat is so sore! That's it, OFC! No more kissing for you!

The Other Side of Cubemate.

SPECIAL PROJECTS CONTRACT ACCOUNTANT: "Man, this time of year just makes me want to smoke and drink all day."

Cubemate: "That's just not right, CONTRACTOR. You need to be more responsible."

Monday, January 09, 2006

Speechless

I knew Cubemate was a fan of bowling alley dining, but this is too much.

"Some Office Guy, I got some new shoes this weekend. Well, actually, they're sandals. But I didn't want to get them. The lady at the Trophy Lounge made me buy them,"

"Can you repeat that?"

"I got new sandals."

"No, I mean the part where you got new sandals at a BOWLING ALLEY BAR???"

"Oh yeah, this lady was selling them. They're like sticky sandals. They attach to your feet without straps or anything!"

"Cubemate, you're buying shoes in a bar--a bar in a bowling alley!--there's a reason they're sticky."

"No you don't understand. They were designed that way."

"Did you also buy a Romex? Was she wearing a trenchcoat?"

"What?"

"Does she steal shoes from homeless people and sell them in the bar?"

"No, she's a sandal distributor. You know, like those ladies that sell candles, or vibrators."

"And she does her business in a bar?"

"Yes, I totally thought it was weird too, but she so talked me into buying them even though I didn't want to. Its like, in the summer she sells lots of sandals, but not so many in the winter because no one is wearing them then."

"No one but the bowling alley crowd, apparently. Let me ask you something: Would you buy homemade burritos from a guy guy who lugged them around in a suitcase at a BOWLING ALLEY BAR??? Because I know of a guy in that line of work, and I'm thinking there's got to be a referral fee in there for me somewhere."

"No, why would I EVER buy burritos in a bar? Or a bowling alley? That's just f*cked up, Some Office Guy."




I am a genius.

For the first time ever, this blog actually INCREASED workplace productivity when cubemate, after searching her employee records for 15 minutes asked me "Some Office Guy, what's another name for Jose? and I was able to quickly answer "Fernando!"

Your milage may vary.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

How to talk like Cubemate.

This is email, so start from the bottom and read up, like a good little corporate drone.


From: Friend of Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 4:54 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order

Great. Email her something like. One time in band camp....ARE MY BOOBS TOO BIG.....I was talking to this girl, but I...OMIGOD DO YOU THINK ANYBODY NOTICED THAT I FORGOT TO WEAR UNDERWEAR TODAY....forgot what I was saying in mid conversation. So, she started to walk away from me. So, I stopped her by grabbing her ass ....WHAT IS THE ETA ON THE PICKLED HOTDOGS..... Then she slapped me. Do you think I should feel bad?

From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 4:39 PM
To: Friend of Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order

I'll find out from Cubemate tomorrow when she comes back to work.

-----Original Message-----
From: Friend of Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 4:38 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order

What's the ETA on my order??

From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 1:32 PM
To: Friend of Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order

I'll pass it along. Considering you work for a different company and all, what GL do we need to bill that to?

-----Original Message-----
From: Friend of Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 1:31 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order

Could you also order me jar or pickled hotdogs?

From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 12:41 PM
To: Friend of Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order

Good point.


-----Original Message-----
From: Friend of Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 12:30 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order

Chewing tobacco because the price of cigarettes is outrageous.

From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 12:19 PM
To: Friend of Some Office Guy
Subject: FW: Supply Order

Anything else I need to order?

-----Original Message-----
From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 11:09 AM
To: Other Office Guy
Cc: Cubemate
Subject: RE: Supply Order

Please see my previous requisition.

Thank you,
Some Office Guy

-----Original Message-----
From: Other Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 11:08 AM
To: Cubemate
Cc: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order

I have noticed a distinct lack of Gin around here. Please remedy this ASAP.

-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 11:07 AM
To: #Accounting
Subject: Supply Order

Good Morning!
I will be placing a supply order on Friday, January 6th. Please let me know if you need any office supplies or have noticed that we are out of a particular item.

Thank you,

Cubemate

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Sesame Street - Live

CUBEMATE: Some Office Guy, Why do I squeak?

SOG: That is something only you can answer.

CUBEMATE: I'm serious. Can't you hear my nose squeak?

SOG: You would make a good Muppet.

How Cubemate's Brain Works

Psst.. Some office Guy, come over here. I was, like talking to my mom yesterday, and my aunt, they were telling me about--OH MY GOD I HATE MY NOSE--yeah, they were telling me about this cousin of mine who has this thing, and he, like didn't get--WHO'S THE CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER FOR THIS COMPANY?--so he like didn't his Christmas train that I was supposed to send him, only I don't know why I was supposed to send it, since my mom got it for him, or my aunt but I'm still working on that anyway--IS THAT A SPIDER? ARE THERE SPIDERS IN WINTER?--I'm wondering if I should be concerned or if its someone elses fault?