Big Time Drama in the Adjoining Cubicle

Finally, an update.

2006-08-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

SUPERVISORS PET: "Some Office Guy, do you know what UNATTRACTIVE COWORKER did? She pinched me! Me! Just for going over on her side of the cubicle!"

SOG: *Laughs*

SUPERVISORS PET: "Don't laugh! It's not funny! How would YOU like to get pinched by UNATTRACTIVE COWORKER?"

SOG: "Ummmmm.... I wouldn't."

UNATTRACTIVE COWORKER: "You know I can hear you guys, right?"

Now THAT'S good eatin!

2006-07-25T12:06:00.000-08:00

Lunchtime in the office. Quiet. The worker bee's are hunkered over microwaved gruel while the management-types are off discussing business over cucumber sandwiches and Beefeater martini's. When all of a sudden:

CUBEMATE: "I don't even CARE that this stinks! It is damned tasty!!!"

The bar exams must have been a cinch

2006-07-25T08:01:00.000-08:00

Getting on the elevator this morning, joined by COMPANY LEGAL BEAGLE and 3RD HIGHEST CHEESE.

ME: (Dripping wet, holding a motorcycle helmet, wearing Joe Rocket rain gear and riding jacket) G'morning!

LEGAL BEAGLE: "You rode your bike today?"

3RD HIGHEST CHEESE: "Actually, I think that is the new Accounting uniform, isn't it?"

I can do maths.

2006-07-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

Cubemate: 11... 11 and five is 16. OUCH! Boy that hurt!

Other Office Guy: **Muffled Laughter**

Cubemate: Shut up that was hard work!

Now She's Got Rabies

2006-07-18T08:49:00.000-08:00

Cubemate: Some Office Guy!

SOG: What?

Cubemate: Some Office Guy!!!

SOG: What is it?

Cubemate: Some Office Guy, I held a baby squirrel this weekend!

Monday Cheer

2006-07-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: (From out of nowhere, as usual) "UNATTRACTIVE CO-WORKER, I am gonna Bitch-Slap you into next week! And you know how much I hate to Bitch-Slap you on a Monday...."

I only sneeze when I am... What?

2006-07-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

UNATTRACTIVE COWORKER: "Ahhhhchew!"

SUPERVISORS PET: Bless you!

UNATTRACTIVE COWORKER: AAAAAAAAAAAAACHEEEEEEW!

SUPERVISOR'S PET: Wow, Gezundheidt, Unattractive Coworker.

UNATTRACTIVE COWORKER: OMG OMG Aaaaaahew!

SOME OFFICE GUY: Wow did you catch my hayfever over there?

UNATTRACTIVE COWORKER: No, I just ate.

SOME OFFICE GUY: What am I missing here?

UNATTRACTIVE COWORKER: I only sneeze when I'm full.

Cubemate on Drug Abuse

2006-07-05T11:53:00.000-08:00

Cubemate: Some Office Guy, I thought you snorted coke.

Some Office Guy: Me personally?

Cubemate: Aren't you supposed to snort it?

Some Office Guy: Not at work, for sure.

Cubemate: So why would you inject it?

Some Office Guy: WTF are you talking about?

Cubemate: Injecting coke, duh.--but I like to smoke it.

Deep Thoughts by Cubemate

2006-06-30T09:53:00.000-08:00

"Some Office Guy, did you know I am, like, the only person who can puke and shit for a week and not lose a pound?"

On Lawn Mowing

2006-06-29T10:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I work in the twilight zone

6TH FLOOR COWORKER: Hey, Some Office Guy, were you the one who said you would sell me his lawnmower?

SOME OFFICE GUY: Uh, No.

CUBEMATE: Come on, didn't you say you have an extra lawnmower you can give her, or something?

SOG: Um, No.

6TH FLOOR COWORKER: So you are not selling?

SOG: My Lawnmower?

6TH FLOOR: Yes

SOG: No

6TH FLOOR: Then how am I going to mow my lawn????

Lunchtime Conversation

2006-06-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

"OMG, Some Office Guy, SENIOR ACCOUNTANT just farted in front of me. I didn't really like that. People shouldn't be doing their farting inthe office, you know? So I looked at her and said 'You know, SENIOR ACCOUNTANT, I don't think I am really comfortable enough with you yet to be sharing your farts."

Follow Up

2006-06-23T11:11:00.000-08:00

2 minutes later: "I hate stupid people that don't have to pee."

Spontaneous announcement

2006-06-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

In true CUBEMATE fashion, during the low murmur of incredibly important work being done in the cubicle farm, comes the announcement we have been waiting for:

CUBEMATE: "OMG, Some Office Guy! I need to pee again!"

SOG: (nervous chuckle)

CUBMATE: "I am SERIOUS! I drank like two cups of coffee this morning! Now I am gonna be p*ssing all day......"

Do not feed the animals.

2006-06-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

Amazing the signage you see around the cubicle farm when you and your crappy camera phone go a'wandering.

Here's to You, Miss Food Re-gifter.

2006-06-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

Some Office Guy: Cubemate, in honor of all your hard work and dedication in bringing lunch for Other Office Guy and Myself, I want to present you with this lunch, a half eaten, soggy cheeseburger from The LongBranch.

Cubemate: ...

Some Office Guy: Here's to you, Ms. Half Eaten Cheeseburger Giver.

Cubemate: But, but, but.. I brought a burrito.

Some Office Guy: After all the hell you give me about never bringing lunch for you, I can't believe you aren't going to enjoy that tasty burger.

Cubemate: No, I'm going to enjoy it allright.... Oh, hey, TREASURY CLERK, do you want this half eaten burger?

Cubemate on Hook Ups

2006-06-22T09:38:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: Some Office Guy, if you like short girls, I know this girl who is getting divorced. She is really short, like 4 foot 6.

SOME OFFICE GUY: That's fantastic. Hook me up.

CUBEMATE: She's really ugly though--and kind of mean.

And then, seconds later, this email:

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Thursday, June 22, 2006 9:37 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject:
She is not attractive on the face and has three kids but she is getting a divorce so she will be down for someone to be her rebound guy

Cubemate on Responsibility

2006-06-21T13:58:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "I hope PROLIFIC FRIEND gets fixed."

SOME OFFICE GUY: "Huh? Whaa?"

CUBEMATE: "My friend with all the kids. She needs to get herself fixed."

SOG: "Isn't she pregnant right now?"

CUBEMATE: "Yes, and she already has too many! People shouldn't be allowed to have too many kids!"

SOG: "Do they have a spay and neuter program for friends and family now?"

Dear Boss...

2006-06-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's email. Start from the bottom and read up, just like its a convoluted request from your boss.

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 12:08 PM
To: MID LEVEL CHEESE; SUPERVISOR’S PET
Subject: RE: Virus alert, Some people already have this one

He is the VP Jack Daniels... DUH

-----Original Message-----
From: MID LEVEL CHEESE
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 12:07 PM
To: CUBEMATE; SUPERVISOR’S PET
Subject: RE: Virus alert, Some people already have this one

NOT! I see they don't have anything for Whiskey

Thank you,
MID LEVEL CHEESE

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 12:07 PM
To: MID LEVEL CHEESE; SUPERVISOR’S PET
Subject: RE: Virus alert, Some people already have this one

I'm sure the Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor would work very fine

I think I should do an experiment:-)

-----Original Message-----
From: MID LEVEL CHEESE
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 12:06 PM
To: CUBEMATE; SUPERVISOR’S PET
Subject: RE: Virus alert, Some people already have this one

Nice try - but don't even think of trying it.

Thank you,
MID LEVEL CHEESE

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 12:04 PM
To: SUPERVISOR’S PET; MID LEVEL CHEESE; AMAZON AP CLERK; CUBEMATE’S OBESE FRIEND; ELEVATOR STALKER; RANDOM EMAIL RECIPIENT 1; RANDOM EMAIL RECIPIENT 2
Subject: FW: Virus alert, Some people already have this one

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

No Man Can Eat 50 Eggs

2006-06-20T10:41:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: Some office guy, I bought 96 slices of cheese last night!

SOME OFFICE GUY: Congratulations.

CUBEMATE: Do you think I can make MY COUSIN'S KIDS eat 96 pieces of cheese?

SOME OFFICE GUY: In one sitting?

CUBEMATE: Would that make them constipated?

Cubmate on Public Displays of Affection

2006-06-16T10:12:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: I am so sick of married people kissing in the elevator!

SOME OFFICE GUY: Is this, like, a common problem?

CUBEMATE: Oh my God, yes! Every day I see different married people kissing in the elevator and it is making me ill.

SOME OFFICE GUY: My freind FEMALE JIM is getting married. Do you want me to have her for kiss for you?

CUBEMATE: I don't know Is she hot?

Congratulations, FEMALE JIM, on your engagement. If you're looking for a cheap honeymoon, our elevators are always open.

Cubemate on WTF

2006-06-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: 428 plus 428 equals.. No. Wait, 428 plus 475 equals... Wait, no this isn't adding up. What am I smoking today?

LESBIAN TEMP: Smells like pickles...

CUBEMATE: I know, right. But I've never smoked pickles.

Cubemate on Relationships (Again)

2006-06-13T12:15:00.000-08:00

SOME OFFICE GUY, you should get a mail order bride. So you don't end up with a dwarf kid, you know?

Cubemate on Relationships

2006-06-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

Halfway through her lunch, Cubemate stands up, turns around and says

You know, I've been thinking, you guys, and I've decided that my life would be so much easier if I was into women, and not men. No, don't laught at me, women are so much less complicated, and they probably won't try to sleep with my roomate, either...

Cubemate's medical advice

2006-06-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "Some Office Guy, you need to get busy on making a baby RIGHT AWAY!"

SOG: (quizzical grunting noise)

CUBEMATE: "See, it says right HERE that the older a man gets the greater a chance that he will be sterile, and worse, his kids will have dwarfism!"

SOG: *Laughing*

UNNATRACTIVE OFFICE DRONE: *Laughing*

OTHER OFFICE GUY: *Laughing*

BOSS WOMAN: *Laughing*

CUBEMATE: "No! It's TRUE!! You don't want SOME DWARF OFFICE GUY running around, do you? DO YOU?"

Cubemate on Punctuality

2006-06-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

BOSS: "Wow, CUBEMATE! You were actually on time this morning! Are you under the weather or something?"

CUBEMATE: "No, I have a pimple!"

Cubemate on Nutrition

2006-06-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: (from out of nowhere) "So, SOME OFFICE GUY, have you eaten any babies lately?"

********** stunned silence **********

SOG: "What? What kind of question is that?!?"

CUBEMATE: "I was just wondering if you had eaten any babies lately, that's all."

(apparently the weekend started a little early for her)

Cubemate on Car Dealers

2006-06-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: Some Office Guy, I was talking to someone earlier about Cal Worthington. Did you know that in real life he doesn't look like he does on the commercials?

SOME OFFICE GUY: Yeah, that was me. You were talking to me. He looks like a corpse on a stick.

CUBEMATE: I guess he looks all old and hunched over and ugly, and always has a young slutty girl on his arm.

SOME OFFICE GUY: This is like deja vu.

CUBEMATE: What, being with a young slutty girl?

CUBEMATE on Organizing

2006-06-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "So, I got to see twin babies last night. You could tell they were brother and sister because one was blue and one was pink....."

Intermission

2006-05-25T12:33:00.000-08:00

I took 9th in this event last year, so it's time to try it agian.

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7330476

Now back to your regularly scheduled Cubemate

Because they are so similar, y'know?

2006-05-23T12:11:00.000-08:00

LESBIAN TEMP: "Hey, CUBEMATE! You've been to Hawaii, right?"

CUBEMATE: "No, but I have been to Idaho!"

Pet aisle? Or childrens play area?

2006-05-22T11:44:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "So last night EASY FREIND calls me and says "I'm at the store, need me to pick up anything?" and so I said "Yeah, pick up a few bachelors." She called me back a few minutes later and says "Ok, I have the bachelors.........""

CUBEMATE's study on pain tolerances

2006-05-19T13:22:00.000-08:00

Interesting experiment CUBEMATE seems to be conducting today on how high a tolerance for pain SOME OFFICE GUY has. As best I can tell, it is a 4 step process.

Step 1: Set ringtone to play "Girls just wanna have fun."

Step 2: Leave the area.

Step 3: Have stable of boyfreinds call CONTINUOUSLY. (most important part)

Step 4: Watch as SOG goes insane.

Driving Miss Daisy

2006-05-18T11:26:00.000-08:00

Things have been real quiet around here of late, but patience paid off around lunchtime today:

CUBEMATE: (Speaking to no one in particular) "Wow! That is a big car. I mean, that is a really, really big car. *Giggle* That car is HUGE! The only reason you would have a car that size is to have a lot of sex in it, right?"

I can't help it. I have to look. Yes, out in the parking lot there is a large car. It also happens to be a HEARSE, so I have my doubts about her reasoning unless you are into that sort of thing. (not that there is anything wrong with that)

Minutes later, as I am typing this up, comes Part II:

SUPERVISORS PET: "Wait a sec, CUBEMATE, don't you have a big car?"

CUBEMATE: "Oh, yeah! I have an SUV!"

Pot meet Kettle. Kettle....Pot.

2006-05-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

Overheard bright and early this morning:

I swear EASY FREIND is driving me NUTS! She goes out partying all the time, she picks up guys who are total strangers and makes out with them, and she says some of the strangest things that just make you go "Huh?"

She wont stop..............

2006-05-09T13:17:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "So, SOG, should I tell my GAY COUSIN that my sister is coming to town?"

SOG: "I don't know! Will he even care?"

CUBEMATE: "I think so. I did three-way one time."

I sure hope that was taken out of context.

Late Filing Penalty

2006-05-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

Cubemate, is back from lunch. You can tell by the high decibel monologue as she walks to her desk from the elevator.

Cubemate: "Oh my God, you guys, we all need to pray for EASY FRIEND. Uh huh, she's going straight to hell. Straight to hell! You wouldn't believe some of the things she was saying!. First she didn't get her tax return yet and it's May 9th, then she didn't get her native check, and that's like 100 shares, so I don't know how much money it was, but its a lot so she was...

Other Office Guy: Wait a second, the IRS sends you to hell for not filing your taxes? Eternal damnation seems a bit excessive a penalty to me.

Cubemate: No she filed her taxes but they didn't give her money yet and now she is saying that all children should die and that the illegal immigrants should be lined up thrown in pits, I can't even tell you all the other stuff she said because its sending her straight to hell and all I could tell her was Karma. Karma karma karma. She's SO going to hell.

Supervisor's Pet: Wait she's shooting kids why? It's not right to shoot kids.

Cubemate: Because she doesn't have any money and she's going out partying all the time. And its not like anyone likes her anyway. She's so going to HELL.

Love is in the air

2006-05-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

I really don't know how many kids SUPERVISORS PET has. Truth be told I have never cared enough to ask. Apparently it's not enough, however, given the advice she is giving her friends.

Just lock the kid in his room. That should give you two at least 1/2 an hour to get it on. Come on! You know how much I love kids!

Bathroom stall, perhaps?

2006-05-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

Pretty quiet today, what with SOG flying around the country. Quiet enough for me to catch this one-sided exchange from 2 cubes over:

CUBEMATE: Hello? Oh, HI! How are you? What are you up to? Uh huh, uh huh......Oh, I know! Isn't that nuts? yeah.......yeah.......I don't know what I am doing tomorrow night. Probably going out drinking at THE GAY BAR. But if you wanted to stop by after and hook up that would be cool! Yeah, ok, uh huh. Oh, By the way, where did you get my number?

Brush With Greatness

2006-05-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

Memo to myself: Try not to get caught on an elevator with Cubemate and the BIG CHEESE. No, not a department level big cheese, or even some kind of divisional big cheese. I'm talking the company wide, every single one of you works for me, I make more money than God BIG BIG CHEESE.

BIG BIG CHEESE: Good Morning. It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

CUBEMATE: OMG yes it is and, I am so loving it. I can finally take the sweaters off my dogs. Those poor little things have to wear sweaters all winter, they are so cute, especially POOR EMASCULATED BOY DOG, But now I only have to put sweaters on them when its raining or when I take them places. I think they like to dress up though.

BIG BIG CHEESE: ...

Cubemate: The only other thing I rally don't like about summer is the sun stays up all the time and it makes it hard to sleep, but I am not going to complain if means that I get to finally get a tan so I don't look like a white girl.

BIG BIG CHEESE: ...

Cubemate: Okay this is our stop. Have a great day BIG BIG CHEESE.

In love with a stripper?

2006-04-27T14:50:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "I'm in love with a stripper."

Some Office Guy: (Ears perking up in search of comedy gold) "Eh? What?"

CUBEMATE: "I'm in love with a stripper! That's the name of this song - I'm in love with a stripper."

SOG (Disappointed): "Oh."

CUBEMATE: "Are you in love with a stripper, SOG?"

SOG: "Not for at least a week now...................."

Lunch Time

2006-04-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

"Hey, Some Office Guy, look at me!"

"What?"

"Turn around and look at me!"

I turn around and THUMP. I can't actually see Cubemate because she just threw a egg mcmuffin at me and hit me right in the face. Who knew she had such good aim?

"That was my breakfast but I don't want it. You can eat it if you want. Its cold and probably tastes nasty."

Happy Birthday, Sunshine!

2006-04-26T13:10:00.000-08:00

Today is Cubemate's 27th birthday. All day long I've been waiting for some sort of amazing birthday story to post, but she's been a little on the evil side today--muttering a lot and hanging up on people. She didn't even buy me lunch, which is so, sooo wrong (what are birthday's for if not sharing with your friends?)

She's been so quiet today that I was afraid I wasn't going to overhear a single word worth posting on her birthday, but at 1:09 this afternoon, cubemate finally came through:

"F*ck it. You know what? I'm just going to hang a poster on the side of my cubicle announcing exactly when my menstrual cycle is. It's not like you guys don't already know anyway."

Happy birthday, Cubemate!

Not gonna happen

2006-04-20T14:55:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "Hey, Ex-CoWorker! Did you wish SOME OFFICE GUY a Happy Birthday?"

EX COWORKER: "No, I didn't know it was his birthday."

CUBEMATE: "Yep! He wants us all to get together and spank him later!"

ECW: "Um..........."

A disturbing new twist

2006-04-19T13:03:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "You know, Some Office Guy, you really can't keep leaving your desk like that. I expect my secretary to be HERE when I need them."

SOG: "Ummmmm, Ok. Should I start shaving my legs too?"

CUBEMATE: "Yes. My secretary should be well groomed."

New skill set revealed

2006-04-18T14:25:00.000-08:00

SOG has returned from his weekly expedition to the dentist heavily doped up with only the finest nerve-deadening agents. Which is what prompted the latest CUBEMATE goodness:

CUBEMATE: "Some Office Guy! Aren't you going to eat anything today?"

SOG: "Maybe later, when the numbness wears off."

CUBEMATE: "What about some chicken broth? Chicken broth is good!"

SOG: "I wouldn't be able to hold it in my mouth! You gonna buy me a new shirt?"

CUBEMATE: "No, but I might wash that one for you."

Generosity (Fashion Statement Part II)

2006-04-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "SOME OFFICE GUY, I am buying you a man-purse for your birthday."

SOG: (Hisses his gratitude through clenched teeth)

CUBEMATE: "You need to buy your own capri's, though....."

Fashion Statement

2006-04-12T13:29:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "SOME OFFICE GUY, I think you should start wearing a man-purse."

SOG: "Um.......What?"

CUBEMATE: "I'm serious! I saw Robert Downey Jr. on TV the other day. He was wearing a man-purse and Capri's. I think you need to start as well."

SOG: "Why don't I carry something a little more manly? Say, an axe? Yeah, I could just carry an axe around."

CUBEMATE: "Man-purse. Definitely a man-purse. Think about it."

Dear John

2006-04-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

LESBIAN TEMP used to work in our building, before she got hired full time and moved to another location a few months ago. I haven't talked to her since then, but today, I get this email.

Either LESBIAN TEMP wasn't the lesbian I thought she was, or I did something REALLLY UNFORTUNATE, which I have conveniently blocked from my memory (for all time, hopefully).

From: LESBIAN (?) TEMP
Sent: Tuesday, April 11, 2006 9:22 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: Over

SOME OFFICE GUY,
Hi. Since I haven't heard from you I decided to be the one with the guts to write the dear John letter. It's over buddy! But, do you really want it to end like this without a lap dance?
LESBIAN (?) TEMP
Treasury Clerk I
XXX-XXXX

A sacred institution

2006-04-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

CUBEMATE: "Some Office Guy, Look at this!"

SOME OFFICE GUY: "That is NOT a real rabbit."

CUBEMATE: "Oh yes it is! They showed it on TV! It was getting married!"

SOG: "Some guy married a rabbit?"

CUBEMATE: "NO! The rabbit got married to another rabbit! On TV!"

SUPERVISORS PET: "Did they write thier own vows?"

(update: Added a photo of the rabbit in question)

Where'd it go?

2006-03-31T14:38:00.000-09:00

SUPERVISOR'S PET: "CUBEMATE, how often do you clean out your mailbox?"

CUBEMATE: "Oh, once a week or so, unless it's something I need to save."

SP: "So, you don't keep anything you delete?"

SOME OFFICE GUY: "You know, that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?"

Both SUPERVISOR'S PET and CUBEMATE: "Huh?..........................."

Family is important

2006-03-30T11:27:00.000-09:00

Some Office Guy: "CUBEMATE - I don't question why you would have a huge bed. I question why you would keep such a huge bed in your storage shed."

Me: "Cause that's where her mom sleeps!"

RANDOM OFFICE DRONE: "You make your mom sleep in a storage shed?"

CUBEMATE: "NOooOO! It is NOT a storage shed! It's more of a ........ a shack, really."

Word Fail me Sometimes

2006-03-28T10:22:00.000-09:00

SUPERVISOR'S PET: Hey, Cubemate, do you have any extra nuts?

CUBEMATE: Like pistachios, or peanuts? I might have some almonds.

SUPERVISOR'S PET: No, you know, like nuts. Those things that go on the back of screws.

CUBEMATE: Screws? What are you talking about, you pervert?

SUPERVISOR'S PET: I Need more Nuts for my desk.

CUBEMATE: Oh, if you need stuff for your desk call, what's his name, THE FURNITURE GUY.

SUPERVISOR'S PET; Furniture Guy? Huh? Hey, Some Office Guy, do you have any nuts?

SOME OFFICE GUY: What size?

SUPERVISOR'S PET: I don't know what sizes they come in.

SOME OFFICE GUY: I have a toolbox in my truck, let me see the bolt.

SUPERVISOR'S PET show's me a 1/4 bolt.

SOME OFFICE GUY: I don't have anything that would fit that here. Maybe at home.

SUPERVISORS PET: You left your nuts at home?

CUBEMATE: He's always leaving his nut at home.

Apparently that wasn't the answer she wanted

2006-03-24T15:43:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: "OOG, you know those little stickers that go in your windshield?"

Me: "IM stickers? Yeah, what about them?"

CUBEMATE: "Well, I dunno, I guess they have something to do with the stickers on your plates?"

Me: "The tags - yes."

CUBEMATE: "NO! The stickers! Anyway, mine expire next week and I have no idea what to do about it!"

Me: "Just take it across the str.."

CUBEMATE: "AND I just found out I am supposed to have proof of insurance for my car! Nobody told me that!"

Me: "Wait. Let me get this straight. You have been driving for 10+ years and you still don't know about emmision tests, vehicle registrations, or Proof of Insurance?"

CUBEMATE: "Well, no, not really......."

Me: "What the f*ck are you doing on the road in the first place?"

Condition Orange

2006-03-24T09:25:00.000-09:00

Well, it appears SOG has got the crud again as he is nowhere to be found, and as a result, CUBEMATE is keeping a low profile. No haunting calls of "SOG, I'm so HOOONGRY!", no footwear comments, no nuthin.

So, I take this opporunity to hijack the blog and warn y'all of the recent Global Terror Alert just issued yesterday.

Of course, given that we ARE living in the protective shadow of Dubya's quick and decisive administration, you will be happy to know that Operation Lunchbox is already under way to counteract this threat.

Stay safe.........

Overheard in the Breakroom

2006-03-22T13:06:00.000-09:00

Danger, Danger Wil Robsinson. No one warned me that using the breakroom would put me at risk of getting in the middle of the dreaded female shoe talk. Once I realized what was going on, I ran right out of there, but not before overhearing this snippet.

MID LEVEL CHEESE: Supervisor's Pet, what's going on? You are wearing shoes today???

SUPERVISOR'S PET: Yeah, I stubbed my toe on my husbands combat boots and I broke my nail and its real short and jagged, and my toe looks chubby, so that is like so not cute and I have to wear shoes until I am cute again.

MID LEVEL CHEESE: I just didn't think you owned anything but flip-flops.

SUPERVISORS PET: Oh, oh oh, I don't. That's good stuff. I had to borrow some.

Back in the Saddle

2006-03-21T12:29:00.000-09:00

Cubemate is back. Most of the day has been spent talking about her explosive diarrhea (OMG, Some Office Guy, my ass was just, like exploding!), but in true Cubemate fashion she can’t stay focused on anyone topic for long. Now that her ass has stopped exploding, she is back in the saddle and looking for love.

-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2006 12:25 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject:

SO SUPERVISOR’S PET’S HUSBAND HAS A FRIEND WHO LIKES ME. SHE HAS ASKED ME A FEW TIMES WHAT I THINK OF HIM AND THE ANSWER IS NO, HE IS TOTALLY NOT MY TYPE. HE IS OLDER WHICH I DON'T MIND AND MAKES A LOT OF MONEY WHICH I LOVE. THE PROBLEM IS HE IS UGLY AND STRAIGHT OUT OF THE COUNTRY. HE IS I THINK LATE 30'S OR 40 WITH NO KIDS AND NEVER BEEN MARRIED WHICH IS A GOOD THING BUT TOTALLY NOT MY TYPE. SHE IS ALL TRYING TO MAKE HIM SOUND GOOD. SHE IS ALL HE MAKES TONS OF MONEY AND IS PUTTING IT AWAY FOR HIS FUTURE BRIDE SO SHE CAN AVE THE HOUSE OF HER DREAMS. THEN SHE IS ALL HIS FAMILY IS VERY WEALTHY. I MET HIM TWICE AND I WOULD SAY HE WOULD BE FRIENDS WITH FORREST GUMP

Hiatus

2006-03-20T10:39:00.000-09:00

Cubemate has been out of the office for a few days. This is your classic good news / bad news situation. The bad news is that without cubemate to keep us entertained, our lives are all dull and dreary, and the mid afternoon office suicide rate has skyrocketed.

The good news is that SUPERVISORS PET brought me breakfast of scrambled eggs with melted cheddar cheese, home fries, and bacon this morning. Apparently she meant to bring it for cubemate, and I was her second choice. Whatever. I'm just bitter there was no fresh squeezed orange juice.

Lunch Puking Update

2006-03-15T11:48:00.000-09:00

"Some office Guy, guess what? I just threw up in the toilet. I was in there and I kept thinking about everyone and their bare ass sitting on the toilet, and it made me sick, so I threw up."

A ray of sunshine.

2006-03-15T09:53:00.000-09:00

Apparently all that puking has done wonders for Cubemate's sunny disposition.

FYI - Its email, so start at the bottom and scroll up, just like you are trying for figure out what new torture your boss has in store for you when you get an email from him title "FWD: **URGENT**"

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:27 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:

I THINK MY MOOD IS FINE

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:25 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

You know its true love if he comes back to you after that.

I'm just glad you’re in such a good mood today. So many positive things to say about everyone! It's so unlike you!

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:21 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:

I'M JUST GLAD I DROPPED THE "N WORD" ON THE CONVICT. I'M PRETTY PROUD OF MYSELF.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:20 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

She didn't used to, but that was a long time ago.

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:20 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:

OR IT COULD BE SHE SPEAKS SO HIGHLY OF HERSELF TO HER DATES..............
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:19 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

I think its because her shoulders are too narrow.

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:18 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:

I would go with the second one. When I talk to her she speaks so highly of herself it's pathetic. I'm like if your all that and a bag of chips why don't you get asked out on a second date or even a first date

------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:05 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

She just overcompensating for the fact that she had to pretend she was stupid for the first 24 years of her life and be SOME OFFICE GUY’S BITCHY EX-FRIEND’S enormous shadow.

Or maybe she's just jealous because she still wants me 10 years later.

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:03 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:

I would love to do that. Also to BEANPOLE, I want to ask her why she thinks she is so high and mighty. She always talks about how good of a catch she is but hello you are 30 and single!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:02 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

I didn't notice it until you said something.

I dare you to stand up and yell "For the love of god, UNATTRACTIVE COWORKER, please stop that singing before I have to walk over there and kick your ass"

-----Original Message-----

From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:01 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject:

UNATTRACTIVE COWORKERS’ singing and humming is about to get on my last nerve

No updates today

2006-03-14T10:18:00.000-09:00

Apparently everyone called in sick today. Not just one person - Everyone. I would leave as well if it weren't for the news that squirrel's are rising from the dead.

This is disturbing enough to keep me locked up in my somewhat squirrel-proof cubicle for now.

TMI, Cubemate, TMI.

2006-03-13T08:27:00.000-09:00

Congratulations to Cubmate for strolling into work a half hour late this morning, and doing it with style!

Some Office Guy: Well, good morning, Cubemate!
Cubemate: Shut up. I've been puking all f**cking night.
Some Office Guy: Nice! And you've decided to come here and share it with us?
Cubemate: Yeah, MID LEVEL CHEESE said I can't miss work on a Monday or Friday any more.
Some Office Guy: Aha. So, are you finally pregnant?
Cubemate: No, I've been sh**ting all f**cking night too.

Its What's for Breakfast (II)

2006-03-09T08:24:00.000-09:00

Cubemate: Some office Guy, there's food in the break room. The auditors are trying to bribe us again.

Some Office Guy: Nice.

Cubemate: They put out those little round sweet things with frosting.

Some Office Guy: Donuts?

Cubemate: No, these things (points at a donut)

Some Office Guy: Donuts.

Cubemate: Yeah, donuts. And those other round things.

Porn Shoes. Porn Shoes, Porn Shoes, Porn Shoes!

2006-03-03T13:53:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: I want to spend my check on new shoes.

SUPERVISORS PET: You should go to The Look. They have cute shoes.

CUBEMATE: Actually, SUPERVISORS PET, I was a bunny a couple of years ago, so, like, I own porn shoes.

SUPERVISORS PET: White porn shoes or red porn shoes?

CUBEMATE: Late-Night-Cable-TV Porn Shoes.

The inner workings of high finance

2006-03-03T10:57:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: "Maybe he heard what a sweetheart she is."

SOME OFFICE GUY: " Huh? I have no idea what you are talking about."

CUBEMATE: "OFFICE TROLL said the window guy never showed up at her house. Weren't you listening or am I the only one who is eavesdropping?"

SOG: "You are the only one eavesdropping. But I don't know why the window guy wouldn't show up at OFFICE TROLL'S house and be a peeping tom."

CUBEMATE: "Peeping Tom on OFFICE TROLL? That's just sick."

SOG: "Ok, fine. Snakes on a plane."

CUBEMATE: "That's a lot of woman if you ask me."

SOG: "I'll buy you lunch if you shoot rubber bands at her over the cubicle wall."

Staying on topic

2006-02-28T10:21:00.000-09:00

AUDITOR LIASON: "Cubemate, I need to find these batches and all I have are the payment dates and amounts. Is there anyway you can help me out?"

CUBEMATE: "I'm going to see Brokeback Mountain tonight! It's a love story! Isn't that great?"

New Career Paths

2006-02-27T10:53:00.000-09:00

My brain isn't working right this morning. Either cubemate is speaking Greek, or I've lost all ability to comprehend what she is saying. Possibly both, since they're not mutually exclusive.

Either way, 15 minutes of babbling just went right over my head, and the only thing I'm very sure of is that she met an ugly girl this weekend, who might or might not have been stupid and wore hideous shoes, but who did definitely want Cubemate her to quit her job here at BIG COMPANY and go to work at McDonald's, either for the great benefits, tasty fries, or maybe just the chance to trade favors with the previously mentioned Arby's girl.

A shining moment in Redneck history

2006-02-23T09:08:00.000-09:00

4 days and 30 some-odd plus years ago, a small woman living in a one-room cabin somewhere in the Okeephenokee Swamps began feeling labor pains, and roughly 109 hours worth of labor later, OOGS sprang into the world.

And sh*t's been going downhill ever since.

After spending a normal childhood doing normal, childhood things such as huntin' gators, Frog Giggin, and peeing on 'Lectric Fences (although he may have spent just a bit too much time doing the latter), our intrepid hero decided to serve his country and enlisted in the United States Armed Forces.

And Bubbaism went overseas.

After spending some fair amount of time impressing the fair Fraulein's with his impressive knowledge of Brain Tumor's and cable communication's ( or was that "Communicating with his cable"?) OOGS returned to these here United States and located himself in the warm, tropical climate of the North. Sadly, during his time away, Redneck's had become an almost endangered species, so OOGS decided it was time to do the right thing and find himself a mate to perpetuate the species.

Thankfully, the offspring turned out to be a lot better looking than the parents.

And so, we return to the present day, where OOGS is now one more birthday closer to the grave. Happy Birthday, OOGS. I am proud to know ya. May today bring you everything you want.

Lunch Update

2006-02-21T13:30:00.000-09:00

"So, Some Office Guy, this girl who used to date my LESBIAN COUSIN hooked me up and gave me an extra thing of curly fries."
The she whispers: "But I'm not going to sleep with her."

Meal Planning

2006-02-21T09:45:00.000-09:00

Apparently the supervisor's pet is more fun than I gave her credit for.

SUPERVISOR'S PET: Hey, Cubemate, what are you having for lunch today?

CUBEMATE: Oh my god, I'm goiong downtown to get a Fur Rondy cheesburger, and some popcorn, and a corndog!

SUPERVISOR'S PET: I choked on a corndog last night. I don't think I can eat another corndog.

CUBEMATE: Whatever, you little slut. We both know that wasn't a 'corndog'.

Law and Order

2006-02-17T13:03:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: "I would love to meet an undercover cop! I would be all like.."Ossifer, I think I need to be searched!""

Mystery Solved

2006-02-16T08:52:00.000-09:00

This morning, both Other Office Guy and myself have been contemplating homicide. Theres laughter, way toooo much laughter, coming from the break room, the SEMI BIG CHEESE'S office, the hallfways, the elevator lobby, the restrooms, everywhere. And not just someone chuckling, but a full on continuous cackle that sounds like machine gun fire and makes you want to duck for cover.

Happiness in the morning sucks my soul.

I wasn't going to investigate the source of all this mirth, for fear of getting two close to the celebrants and being expected to smile, but I have to admit I was curious, and now, thanks to CUBEMATE the mystery has been revealed.

-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Thursday, February 16, 2006 8:53 AM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE:

MID LEVEL CHEESE IS TELLING EVERYONE. I WOULD GO HOME AND CHANGE MY SHOES IF I WERE HER

From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Thursday, February 16, 2006 8:53 AM
To: Cubemate
Subject: RE:

Is that what all the laughing is about?
-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Thursday, February 16, 2006 8:52 AM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject:

OLDER TREASURY CLERK IS WEARING ONE BLACK SHOE AND ONE BROWN SHOE.

Someone has been reading the dictionary.

2006-02-15T11:54:00.000-09:00

Cubemate: Mmmmm mmm mm. This salad is MAGNIFICENT!

Some Office Guy: Cubemate, I really don't think anything from McDonalds is magnificent.

Cubemate: No, this salad is. Its truly SPLENDID.

Some Office Guy: Did they drip grease on it?

Cubemate: No. I think Wolfgang Puck made it. It tastes like a Puck ENSALADA

Family Values

2006-02-14T12:32:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: "It's confirmed, EASY FRIEND is drinking alone tonight."

Some Office Guy: "Sweet! What time do I need to show up to take advantage of that?"

CUBEMATE: "Oh I don't know, I am going out with my Mom and my Convict for dinner tonight, so I won't be there. "

Some Office Guy: "Wow your Mom and your Convict at the same time?"

CUBEMATE: "Oh, yeah!"

Some Office Guy: (Always quick to get to the heart of the matter) "Who's paying?"

TMI

2006-02-13T09:52:00.000-09:00

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Monday, February 13, 2006 9:52 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject:

SO CONVICT TOOK A PICTURE OF 'HIMSELF' WITH MY PHONE AND I LET PREGNANT FREIND AND DRUNK FREIND SEE IT. THEY WERE PRETTY IMPRESSED

Cheese can be funny

2006-02-10T13:46:00.000-09:00

So, CUBEMATE is out again today. Why? I dunno. Sick? Drunk? Both? Frankly, I kind of hope it's the latter. Would be beneficial for the Monday posts.

In the meantime, something has occured during her absence that illustrates why I get along with MID-LEVEL CHEESE.

Returning from the coffee shop and a "closet cig" we call for the elevator and - when it arrives - hop aboard. (as people are apt to do) About that time comes FAT SLOB, huffing his way around the corner of the atrium.

FAT SLOB: "Whoa! Is that elevator going up?!?"

MID-LEVEL CHEESE: "Yes!" and waves him a cheerful goodbye as the doors close.

Things are looking up

2006-02-08T14:44:00.001-09:00

CUBEMATE has been a little quiet recently. Whether this is due to workload or illness I am not really sure. However, judging by SOME OFFICE GUY's request just a few minutes ago to release him from his torment by delivering sweet, sweet death, I am guessing the post count will be picking up soon.

Stink Bathroom

2006-02-08T13:06:00.000-09:00

No one can ever accuse me of being uninformed:

Cubemate: Some office guy, I puked.

Some Office Guy: Congratulations!

Cubemate: You know what made it easy? Having a stink bathroom!

Some Office Guy: ...

Cubemate: The girls bathroom, it is always stink. I think someone likes to shit a lot!Besides, taking all those pills was too much for me. I shouldn't take all those pills for sure when people stink.

Not much fun right now

2006-02-01T11:26:00.000-09:00

The whole office is sick. Indeed, we here in the 7th level of Accounting Hell seem to be swapping infectious organisms like 5th graders with some new decks of playing cards.

SOME OFFICE GUY is convinces he has the Bird Flu , while my disease of choice seems to run to the more exotic Dengue Fever.

Even CUBEMATE has been unable to escape the onslaught, as evidenced by this less-than-enthusiastic response to what could have been a glorious outburst.

SUPERVISOR'S PET: "CUBEMATE, Are you cheap?"

CUBEMATE: "Mmmbrglmffpht"

Lunch is served

2006-01-27T14:51:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: "SOME OFFICE GUY, if you go check the vending machine to see if there are any triscuits in there, I will let you have the rest of my hamburger."

SOME OFFICE GUY: "Um.......wait.......What?"

CUBEMATE: "If you go get me triscuits you can have my hamburger. It's just cold, there's nothing wrong with it."

SOG: "Let me get this straight. You want to trade me a nasty, cold, half-eaten hamburger for me to go get you triscuits?"

CUBEMATE: "I hardly touched it! Look, there are only four or five bites taken out of it! Theres NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!!"

SOG: "Tell you what. I will take your money, and I will go check the machine, but I am NOT eating that hamburger."

CUBEMATE: "Thank you!"

SOG: "But around four o'clock, can I have your soggy, half-eaten nacho's?"

Cubemate is my Pimp?

2006-01-27T13:06:00.000-09:00

Out of the blue, I get this email from cubemate. I don't know what she is talking about, but I have an awful feeling she is trying to hook me up.

From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Friday, January 27, 2006 1:05 PM
To: Cubemate
Subject: RE:

Wow that is so not information I needed, whoever you are talking about, but thanks.

-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Friday, January 27, 2006 1:04 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject:

She is so fat that she pulled one of her stomach muscles when she moved in her bed

How did that connection get made?

2006-01-24T15:49:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: "Speaking of the Bird Flu, My neice is so adorable! Let me tell you what she did....."

I left my heart in... Ohio?

2006-01-24T13:24:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: Is your heart in Ohio, Some office guy?

SOME OFFICE GUY: You know it.

CUBEMATE: Ohio is for lovers. Actually, Amanda, Ohio, is where Norman's from.

SOME OFFICE GUY: Who is Norman?

CUBEMATE: I left my heart in Ohio.

SOME OFFICE GUY: Who is Norman?

CUBEMATE: Does that really matter when he's from Ohio?

Another A'splosion

2006-01-23T11:43:00.000-09:00

Frankly, I am not sure what this means. (Scroll up from bottom)
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006

I've tried. I'll you pretend to be me:-)

From: Other Office Guy
Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006

Sorry. No can do. SOX, y'know.

Pass that off on one of your other buddies.

From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006

Not a problem. I will even let him post it if he wants to:-) You know you want to OOG

From: MID LEVEL CHEESE
Sent: Monday, January 23, 2006

CUBEMATE,

Before you post HUGE CUSTOMER this month please let OTHER OFFICE GUY review the accounts.

Thank you,
MID LEVEL CHEESE
Supervisor

Another Epiphany

2006-01-20T15:31:00.000-09:00

and a follow up to SOME OFFICE GUYS post below:

CUBEMATE: "OFFICE TROLL, is my face all red? I am all itchy! UUUUGN! I'VE GOT BUGS!!!"

I'm not a dermatologist, but I play one at the office.

2006-01-20T15:20:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: Some office guy, I have a hive on my belly!

SOME OFFICE GUY: What? You have hives on your belly?

CUBEMATE: Yeah, and I had a hive the other night too and it sucked.

SOG: I imagine.

CUBEMATE: I'd show you my hive, but its on my belly, and I don't want you to see my fat belly.

OTHER OFFICE GUY: Looks like your out of luck again, Some Office Guy

Sighting!

2006-01-20T13:22:00.000-09:00

Doing work? Or chatting on IM? YOU be the judge!

Anyone Need a Date?

2006-01-20T09:32:00.000-09:00

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:29 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:

SHE iS SUPPOSE TO BE AT THE SNOW GOOSE TOMORROW. TELL HIM TO APPROACH HER
WHEN SHE HAS HAD 100 DRINKS IN HER

From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:28 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

I have a friend who desperately needs to sleep with a girl who's not fat or ugly
at least once in his life. You should hook him up.

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:22 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:

I WOULDN'T CALL IT THE FIRST DATE. I WOULD SAY WHEN SHE FIRST MEETS THEM...LITERALLY. I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT THAT STUFF BUT PLEASE, SHE IS 31 YEARS OLD AND ACTS LIKE THIS STILL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUNG GIRLS WHO ACT LIKE HER. CAN YOU SAY EASY

From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:16 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

Okay, she sleeps with all these guys on the first "date", then has to beg
them to take her number, THEN they never call her back. Is she like horrible in
bed or something? Does she just lay there like a lump? Maybe she smells funny?
Is she secretly a man?

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:14 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject: RE:

PRETTY MUCH, SHE NEVER WANTED TO GO THEIR BEFORE. SHE IS FINDING EVERY EXCUSE TO GO OUT THERE. SHE IS SO ANNOYING. LIKE ANYONE WILL CALL YOU BACK WHEN YOU ALREADY GAVE IT UP. ON TOP OF THAT SHE WAS ACTING IMMATURE WHILE WE WERE OUT THERE AND SHE HAD A CRAZY LOOK IN HER EYE

From: SOME OFFICE GUY
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:13 AM
To: CUBEMATE
Subject: RE:

She's going to stalk him? SWEEEET!

-----Original Message-----
From: CUBEMATE
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2006 9:13 AM
To: SOME OFFICE GUY
Subject:

ME AND GAY COUSIN ARE TIRED OF HEARING EASY FRIEND SAY "I HOPE HE CALLS ME" I TOLD HER LAST NIGHT SHE IS JINXING HERSELF AND TO STOP, I HOPE SHE GOT THE HINT. I KNOW HE IS NOT GOING TO CALL HER. SHE IS SO DESPERATE SHE IS GOING TO HIPPY TOWN ON SUNDAY

Not of any relevance at all.

2006-01-19T14:46:00.000-09:00

Only because, for about a year, I had to hear about CUBEMATE'S pet rodents (in great detail) and all the amazing, high school level activities they performed, such as getting stuck between the cage bars and having sex in a toilet paper tube.

Please give it up for - the Snack Hamsters

Today's Enigma

2006-01-16T14:25:00.000-09:00

I just recieved this email, and, yes, I'll be pondering what it means until my head a'splodes.

-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2006 2:23 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject:

IT'S FUNNY HER SISTER SAID BARROW IS GAY BECAUSE SHE IS

Perfect Likeness

2006-01-13T10:32:00.000-09:00

For anyone who may have wondered what CUBEMATE may look like, SOME OFFICE GUY has been kind enough to provide this carefully prepared artist's rendition.

A brief moment of irony

2006-01-12T11:41:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: "Dammit! Why do people take my things off of the printer? Can't they LOOK to see that it isn't theirs?"

(as she storms off with MY spreadsheet)

Do you have my... Nevermind.

2006-01-12T09:50:00.000-09:00

GL ACCOUNTANT: Cubemate, did my supply order come in yet?

CUBEMATE: What? CONVICT took me to the fights last night! I couldn't believe it!

GL ACCOUNTANT: Cool. Cool.

CUBEMATE: Yeah, there were some good fights.

GL ACCOUNTANT: It was awesome, yeah?

CUBEMATE: No, it was actually so much a gay sport! I never knew! There were these two guys, and they came out and punched each other, then they ended up with their legs wrapped around each other laying on the floor, and I was like, I want to do that!

GL ACCOUNTANT: (silence) ... So, did you get that supply order in?

Cubemate: What?

Belated Birthday greetings

2006-01-11T15:17:00.000-09:00

So, I spend the better part of the morning trying to entice CUBEMATE into displaying some truly off-the-wall antics for Fortune Hunter's belated Birthday amusement only to re-discover something depressing.

I suck at baiting people.

The gem of the day so far has been this little conversation:

CUBEMATE: "So, CONVICT was saying how he want's to take me out to Thursday Night at the Fights, you know? So I call and get ticket prices and when I tell him they are like 60 bucks he soooo totally changes his tune."

ME: "You need to date a better class of convict. Maybe someone above dealer level could afford to take you out to the monster truck rallies or maybe go see the WWF when they hit town."

SOME OFFICE GUY: "Maybe eat at McDonalds TWICE a week!"

CUBEMATE: "OOOH! OOOH! I gotta tell you guys this! I know this chick who is a lesbian, right? A real MANLY girl if you know what I mean. Anyway, she works at Arby's and told me I should swing by sometime and she would hook me up! Isn't that gross?"

SOME OFFICE GUY: "So get over there and tell her you have an entire office full of hungry people to feed and see what she says......."

You had to be there.

2006-01-11T13:53:00.000-09:00

Overheard in the Elevator: "We could probably calm the angry volcano by offering up Pat Robertson as a sacrafice."

Aaaaand - right back to this side again.

2006-01-10T14:22:00.000-09:00

OVERWEIGHT FEMALE CO-WORKER: How are you feeling, CUBEMATE?

CUBEMATE: I tell ya, my throat is so sore! That's it, OFC! No more kissing for you!

The Other Side of Cubemate.

2006-01-10T13:30:00.000-09:00

SPECIAL PROJECTS CONTRACT ACCOUNTANT: "Man, this time of year just makes me want to smoke and drink all day."

Cubemate: "That's just not right, CONTRACTOR. You need to be more responsible."

Speechless

2006-01-09T13:31:00.000-09:00

I knew Cubemate was a fan of bowling alley dining, but this is too much.

"Some Office Guy, I got some new shoes this weekend. Well, actually, they're sandals. But I didn't want to get them. The lady at the Trophy Lounge made me buy them,"

"Can you repeat that?"

"I got new sandals."

"No, I mean the part where you got new sandals at a BOWLING ALLEY BAR???"

"Oh yeah, this lady was selling them. They're like sticky sandals. They attach to your feet without straps or anything!"

"Cubemate, you're buying shoes in a bar--a bar in a bowling alley!--there's a reason they're sticky."

"No you don't understand. They were designed that way."
"Did you also buy a Romex? Was she wearing a trenchcoat?"
"What?"

"Does she steal shoes from homeless people and sell them in the bar?"

"No, she's a sandal distributor. You know, like those ladies that sell candles, or vibrators."

"And she does her business in a bar?"

"Yes, I totally thought it was weird too, but she so talked me into buying them even though I didn't want to. Its like, in the summer she sells lots of sandals, but not so many in the winter because no one is wearing them then."

"No one but the bowling alley crowd, apparently. Let me ask you something: Would you buy homemade burritos from a guy guy who lugged them around in a suitcase at a BOWLING ALLEY BAR??? Because I know of a guy in that line of work, and I'm thinking there's got to be a referral fee in there for me somewhere."

"No, why would I EVER buy burritos in a bar? Or a bowling alley? That's just f*cked up, Some Office Guy."

I am a genius.

2006-01-09T11:27:00.000-09:00

For the first time ever, this blog actually INCREASED workplace productivity when cubemate, after searching her employee records for 15 minutes asked me "Some Office Guy, what's another name for Jose? and I was able to quickly answer "Fernando!"

Your milage may vary.

How to talk like Cubemate.

2006-01-05T09:16:00.000-09:00

This is email, so start from the bottom and read up, like a good little corporate drone.

From: Friend of Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 4:54 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order
Great. Email her something like. One time in band camp....ARE MY BOOBS TOO BIG.....I was talking to this girl, but I...OMIGOD DO YOU THINK ANYBODY NOTICED THAT I FORGOT TO WEAR UNDERWEAR TODAY....forgot what I was saying in mid conversation. So, she started to walk away from me. So, I stopped her by grabbing her ass ....WHAT IS THE ETA ON THE PICKLED HOTDOGS..... Then she slapped me. Do you think I should feel bad?
From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 4:39 PM
To: Friend of Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order
I'll find out from Cubemate tomorrow when she comes back to work.
-----Original Message-----
From: Friend of Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 4:38 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order
What's the ETA on my order??
From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 1:32 PM
To: Friend of Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order
I'll pass it along. Considering you work for a different company and all, what GL do we need to bill that to?
-----Original Message-----
From: Friend of Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 1:31 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order
Could you also order me jar or pickled hotdogs?
From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 12:41 PM
To: Friend of Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order
Good point.

-----Original Message-----
From: Friend of Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 12:30 PM
To: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order
Chewing tobacco because the price of cigarettes is outrageous.
From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 12:19 PM
To: Friend of Some Office Guy
Subject: FW: Supply Order
Anything else I need to order?
-----Original Message-----
From: Some Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 11:09 AM
To: Other Office Guy
Cc: Cubemate
Subject: RE: Supply Order
Please see my previous requisition.
Thank you,
Some Office Guy
-----Original Message-----
From: Other Office Guy
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 11:08 AM
To: Cubemate
Cc: Some Office Guy
Subject: RE: Supply Order
I have noticed a distinct lack of Gin around here. Please remedy this ASAP.

-----Original Message-----
From: Cubemate
Sent: Wednesday, January 04, 2006 11:07 AM
To: #Accounting
Subject: Supply Order

Good Morning!
I will be placing a supply order on Friday, January 6th. Please let me know if you need any office supplies or have noticed that we are out of a particular item.

Thank you,
Cubemate

Sesame Street - Live

2006-01-04T14:10:00.000-09:00

CUBEMATE: Some Office Guy, Why do I squeak?

SOG: That is something only you can answer.

CUBEMATE: I'm serious. Can't you hear my nose squeak?

SOG: You would make a good Muppet.